Wednesday, April 29, 2009

From Chaos, Beauty

This weekend, at the tail end of my wallowing, I did something I have wanted to do for a very very long time: I cast on to begin my first ever sock.

Doesn't sound like much, but it was a big event for me. The entire reason I wanted to learn to knit was to make socks. Because....well, because I thought it would be cool to have handknitted socks, okay? And the yarn for socks is just groovy. Sometimes more fun and enticing than all the other kinds of yarn.

So, I cast on. 56 stitches. Spread them out over three double pointed needles (DPNs). Began to knit and purl as directed.

Right now, three days in, I have just over an inch of the ribbing done. It's slow going because I'm still kind of awkward with the DPNs. And I've had one incident where I started going around in the opposite direction and had to rip that out...not good. Heh.

I watch this little sock taking shape from the simple motions of pulling some yarn through a loop of itself and it makes me happy. It makes me happy to see all the shades of blue in the yarn that looked rather random while it was in the skein turn into neatly ordered stripes. It makes me happy to see that, despite my struggles with learning to wrangle the DPNs, the rows of knit and purl are pretty even, and they look ordered and "right". I'm even happy that when this sock is done, I get to do another one just like it and watch the process all over again.

I'm not entirely sure why this process is making me so filled with bliss. Maybe because I can see how my learning to knit has progressed and now, at long last, I am able to do the thing I have so long wanted to do.

I think on a deeper level though, it gives me comfort to see that despite struggle and some fuss, despite having to go back, start over and try again, despite the seeming dis-order and chaos that by doing things that are simple, straightforward and easy, one can create something really really beautiful.

"Women like to sit down with trouble - as if it were knitting." ~Ellen Glasgow

"Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn't hurt the untroubled spirit, either." ~Elizabeth Zimmerman

"Really, all you need to become a good knitter are wool, needles, hands, and slightly below-average intelligence. Of course, superior intelligence, such as yours and mine, is an advantage." ~Elizabeth Zimmerman

Monday, April 27, 2009

Forward and Back Again

According to this website, in regards to the five stages of grieving, one may "go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person."

I would say that I took a definite step backwards last week. In alternate moments I was angry, whiny, having moments of "do NOT want" about the divorce, i probably even threw in some bargaining just for the heck of it. I know I spent a LOT of time going over just about every teeny tiny thing I ever did in our marriage that may have ever been connected to the reasons he gave me as to why he was leaving. There was a lot of self castigation and "if only" thoughts.

If only I had been a better X.

If only I had not done Y at that very moment.

If only I was able to do Z.

Does it really matter what X,Y and Z are? No. Because I cannot go back and change those things, as much as I would have dearly loved to last week. I wanted so VERY badly to go back and change and redo and undo everything. The last seven days or so have been a large exercise in futility, for there is no method that has yet been discovered that will allow someone to travel back and make changes to their life.

The main thought that ran through my head all week was "I never wanted this divorce." And I didn't. Even at the worst moments in the weeks leading up to him leaving, I never wanted a divorce. If you were to ask me now, when I'm feeling pretty good about life again, if I want a divorce, the answer would still be no.

I guess I am just railing against the fact that putting my life on this new path was not MY decision. Sometimes it feels kind of unfair and it upsets me. And when it gets to be too much, I fall backwards on the five stages.

And sleep in a lot.

And eat ice cream. (Just a bit though.)

And take a weekend to wallow and cry and feel like crap and ignore everything else to just deal with the thoughts and emotions.

Then dust myself off, take a shower, put on some makeup, get dressed and face the world again.

"Grief is a healthy emotion, and it's healthy to embrace it. By accepting loss, we clarify our values and the meaning of our lives. ~DEAN KOONTZ, Forever Odd

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~Winston Churchill

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Staring at Hangnails

There's been lots going on of late, but I haven't felt overly inspired to write about it. I feel that I would be rehashing the same things over and over again, and that would be boring to the few (you happy few!) who read this blog. Yet, I promised regular updates. And thus I am in a catch-22 here.

A couple updates:

-I continue on the quest to do things that make me happy and have bought artwork for my home. I am taking it to get framed tonight. Yay! It is a beautiful print of a woman's face with her hair streaming out to one side entitled "Winter Princess". It shall hang in my bedroom.

-I am forcing myself back to the gym tonight. I feel sluggish and I know its because I've been being a slug. (Ha! Did you see what I did there with the words and the funny?? Heh..*ahem* Yeah. Anyhoo...)

-I have realized that the experiment is pretty much over at this point. Results: inconclusive. All the fun, happy sex was great but the no-connection part was not so great. It did lead me to recognize that there are things I can't really do without in my love life - both physically and emotionally. Because of this, I declare it a success! I'm thinking that I am concluding said experiment now.

-I thought I met a really nice, super-cool person. According to the emptiness of my inbox, maybe I did not. Oh well. Live and learn. But its too bad because he was really kinda nice. *shrug* Also, I might need to relax about it. Which has never been my forte. (Who me? Intense? Naaaah....)

-Substitute "blogs" for diaries in the quote below and you'll have how I'm feeling about writing this at the moment:

"It seems to me that the problem with diaries, and the reason that most of them are so boring, is that every day we vacillate between examining our hangnails and speculating on cosmic order." ~Ann Beattie, Picturing Will, 1989

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Whooda thunkit?

(Ugh. I'm just off with my posting days this week. I'll be back to MWF next week for sure as I won't be returning home to just run out the door again in three days. *sigh*)

As I was expecting, the "Sub Drop" hit yesterday. I was alternately grouchy and weepy. I was completely out of sorts. I felt really kind of ragged around the edges and scrambled at the center. Luckily, I know these symptoms and do my best to ignore them. And when I can't ignore them I just try to get through them. Its just that I don't always manage to "get through" them well.

I'm afraid that I snapped at my Mom on the phone. And I may have said a few choice words at the computer at work. Also, I think I cried a bit in my car while sitting outside the bookstore - where I was heading for some retail therapy. Plus, I ate ice cream - a single serving of Haagen Daas, but still, not diet friendly. Then, I do believe I became panicked that my older cat would die while I was not at home, and freaked out about that for a while. Finally, I obsessively knit for several hours to clear my mind of anything except the "pass through and grab" of the knit stitch.

No, last night was not pretty. But I didn't wallow. I wasn't blindsided by how I was feeling and I was able to (at LAST!) clear my head before I went to bed and fretted myself to death all night instead of sleeping.

For me, Sub-Drop is inevitable. The adrenaline dump combined with the emotional dump just screws me up. This is the first time I've had to deal with it on my own...with no S.O. there to help out. (Chalking THAT one up for the year of "firsts"!) I did just fine, which makes me happy.

I guess I am going to be okay after all. No matter what. Huh. Who knew?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


I survived the weekend! More than survived...I thrived this weekend. It is still all a jumble in my head but I'm sure over the course of the next few days I will be organized enough in my thoughts to write coherently about the past five days.

Until then, a few highlights:

1. Mr. C is just as lovely in person as I thought he would be.
2. Canes are my new bestest friends.
3. Clothespins can be quite fun.
4. Wooden paddles are teh evul.
5. Georgia BBQ is best eaten in small out of the way places that are playing the blues good and loud.
6. I really REALLY like rope
7. Two knitting projects is the minimum I will ever take with me.
8. The yarn store in Atlanta called "Knitch" is wonderful and I highly recommend it.
9. I have fallen a teensy bit for Mr. C, and not just because of "teh sexxors", but because he really is a wonderful human being.
10. Figging is fuuuuuuuuuuun. :D

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Blooming Happy

It does not take much for me to be happy or amused. Truly, I am a simple person. Today what is making me smile is the fact that every time I look down at my feet I see the cute li'l flower drawn there by the very talented pedicurist I went to last night. It is a white flower with a green stem and a wee pink rhinestone in the center. And silver glitter accents. I lurve it.

I also lurve that it is warm enough today for me to wear my Clark's sandals so I can catch glimpses of my cute toes throughout the day.

I spent an extra $20.00 last night getting the "Deluxe Mani/Pedi" instead of just the plain "Spa Pedicure" I usually get. I'm totally worth the money and I took it out of the vacation spending cash. There was a salt scrub and hot towels involved over and above the usual treatment, and let's not forget the flower!

Generally, I am cheap and do my own nails, but pedicures are really best done by someone else. And if I space them out far enough it is not a strain on the budget. In fact, I budget them in just like I do my cost for my haircuts. Some things are just not frills to me, and this is one of them.

Plus, I know I'm going to be looking at my feet up in the air, slung over the shoulders of Mr. C a goodly number of times this weekend, so it will be nice to see the li'l flowers smiling back at me when I do manage a moment to notice them.

*wicked grin*

"If you've never been thrilled to the very edges of your soul by a flower in spring bloom, maybe your soul has never been in bloom."
~Audra Foveo

Monday, April 6, 2009

Bring it! *squee!*

I am three days away from leaving on a vacation. To a city I've never been to. To meet a person I've only talked to on the phone. To go to what basically amounts to a sex convention. Hee!

I am very excited, I must say. (Points to those who recognize the SNL reference!).

Mr. C (as I will refer to him here) is the boyfriend of a dear friend. I met her first and then, by proxy, him. And when he professed a want to explore some of his fantasies in real time, she (darling girl that she is) pointed him towards me and said "Go forth and explore - but don't be fuckin' around on Miss B, she's the real deal so you better bring it!"

Yes, my lovely friend has told the man whom I will belong to for the better part of five days to "Bring It." Have I mentioned that Mr. C is not a small man? With large hands? And a newly found penchant for belts?

My ass and my lovely friend are gonna have a talk when this is all over about the choosing of words and how they specifically relate to its overall health.

Despite such injucntions, I am really looking forward to the weekend. Mr. C and I click well on many levels and so the time spent together will be fun even when we are not otherwise occupied with "Bringing It."

I am also really looking forward to getting the heck outta town for a few days. It's been too long since I've been on a vacay and I need one. A new place to explore and new things to look at. Aside from the "con", we have a bit of time to do some exploring on our own. I am looking forward to that very very much.

So, if I seem a bit "a-squee" here this week, that would be why.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Did I mention I was a geek?

The papers have been filed. We have a court date now, where a Judge will decide if what he and I have decided on between us is okay. Neither one of us expects that there will be any problems with the settlement. We agreed on everything right away - except for two things...heh.

First, he thought he would take all the pets. Nope. Not gonna happen. We compromised and I kept the kitties and he got the dog. It was in the best interests for all involved that it end up that way.

Second...and this we did NOT discuss....he took ALL the gaming systems. Seriously. ALL of them. After I came to my senses a few days after he left I called him on this.
Specifically, I called him about the Wii. Because I LOVED the Wii. I had been waiting with bated breath for the Wii Fit to come out at the time we split. But he...he TOOK IT.

Okay, in all fairness, it WAS his birthday gift. And, sure he should have it...but but but BUT....!!!!! I loved it!! I played it more than him!!!!

This is a source of constant teasing on my part. Telling him that he "owes" me a Wii. In fact, I called him a few days after the papers had been filed to make sure I understood a particular point and it was then that I told him I wasn't leaving the courtroom unless the judge put it in the divorce decree that he has to get me a new Wii.

We laughed and joked about it. He protested that it was his to begin with, I bantered back that I played it was good and fun and joshing.

Moments like that make me feel that it is possible that this man and I can remain friends after all is said and done. That even though we are not good as husband and wife, we ARE good as friends. That makes me happy.

That, and a new Wii would make me ecstatic. *chuckle*

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dream On

(Look at me go! Updates regularly on MWF!!)

I am still attempting to tame The Thing. I am being semi-successful.

The number on the scale continues to go down, for which I am grateful. Clothing is fitting better. I have lots to go, but I am pleased with the changes I've made so far and with the progress that continues to go forward.

Every time I think I've gotten The Thing to shut up though, it comes at me in different ways.

Positive self-talk in the mirror every morning? At night I have dreams that I am beating myself up and screaming how awful I am at myself. (This one made me die laughing at just HOW absurd my subconscious is!)

Feel good about trying on clothes that haven't fit for a while? Later that night I find myself thinking about how LONG it will be until I can fit into Misses sizes again.

Make a decision to have something like ice cream and simply count it in my calories for the day so I don't go over? Several hours of angst several days later when I have "only" lost two pounds.

I've been able to poo poo all these attempts at coming back into the forefront of my thought patterns. I look The Thing square in the eye and tell it to BACK OFF. That it isn't correct and I KNOW it. So there, nyah!

Yet, this latest assault has come at me from a different direction altogether. A tack The Thing has not tried before. It's coming at me through my FANTASIES.

The first time it happened I thought to myself "Well, that's odd" and just got on with things. Yet, it happened again...and then AGAIN - to the point where all activity had to cease because The Thing managed to derail it all.

Because, really, how can one go about achieving some "quality bunk time" when in your little fantasy world your partner is revolted by your body? Or says "I could do better than this!"

I told you The Thing is insidious. And that I have to fight it at every turn. But it wasn't until that happened that I realized that in my fantasy life I rarely ever have a "specific person" involved where there needs to be another person. It's always been kind of a generic "human being" there. Yet, recently, I've wanted to put a specific person into that spot in my dreamland and found The Thing waiting for me there, ready to tear down any confidence I may have in myself or my sexual attractiveness.

It's really got me pissed off now. I'm SO not going to let my "bunk time" be confiscated by The Thing, nor will I let it hold me back from dreaming of particularly hunky/sexy partners. The fantasy may never come true but JEEBUS I at LEAST deserve the fantasy!!

So, watch out, Mr. The Thing; I've got my boots on and I'm ready to kick the crap outta you once and for all.

"To dream anything you want to dream; that's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything you want to do; that is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits; that is the courage to succeed."
-Bernard Edmonds