I am going to try this again, but under a new title etc.
Really, the separation portion of my life is over, the divorce is final, the year of firsts has come and gone. There are lots of things I want to continue to talk about but I want to mess up a clean slate, so to speak. So, I am moving things over to a new blog for a new start.
Never fear, the sex and knitting will continue on!!
Come on over to: findingmissb.blogspot.com
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Schvantzes-a-Swinging!
Through some kind of bizzaro osmosis I seem to have picked up an inordinate amount of knowledge of Jewish culture and religion. Maybe it was in reaction to my very-much-a-gentile-Grandmother's wish that I would someday marry a "nice Jewish man". Maybe I figured I should be prepared in case her wish should come true! No matter how it came to be, I have made good Jewish boys very happy with my knowledge.
This may be why a friend of mine in Florida, SL, called to giggle with me about the fact that he heard that someone from his temple threw a swing party. He wasn't giggling about the swing party part of it, rather it was the idea that everyone there was of the Hebrew extraction. So far he had come up with these following guidelines for the All-Jewish Swing Party:
1. No one would bring alcohol, as no one would want to spend the money on it.
2. It is held at someone's house because why spend the money on a hotel when you have a perfectly good house, plus you can show off your new kitchen remodel.
3. No booze, but the food would be amazing and abundant.
3a. And would include a really spiff smoked fish platter.
4. Once the sex started, someone would walk in a room and say "What! You call that eating pussy? That's not how you do it! Here, let me show you!"
5. Other quotations might include "No! My wife doesn't like to be fucked like that! Why are you DOING that! Just do what I tell you to!!" and "Did you see what she's wearing? That lingerie is totally vredne! I wouldn't be caught dead!"
6. Next to each bed there would be a pretty ceramic dish with a complement of nail files for the ladies to use during.
7. In addition to the social rooms and the play/sex rooms there would also be a Mah Johng room!
"Other people have a nationality, the Irish and the Jews have a psychosis"
-Brendan Behan
This may be why a friend of mine in Florida, SL, called to giggle with me about the fact that he heard that someone from his temple threw a swing party. He wasn't giggling about the swing party part of it, rather it was the idea that everyone there was of the Hebrew extraction. So far he had come up with these following guidelines for the All-Jewish Swing Party:
1. No one would bring alcohol, as no one would want to spend the money on it.
2. It is held at someone's house because why spend the money on a hotel when you have a perfectly good house, plus you can show off your new kitchen remodel.
3. No booze, but the food would be amazing and abundant.
3a. And would include a really spiff smoked fish platter.
4. Once the sex started, someone would walk in a room and say "What! You call that eating pussy? That's not how you do it! Here, let me show you!"
5. Other quotations might include "No! My wife doesn't like to be fucked like that! Why are you DOING that! Just do what I tell you to!!" and "Did you see what she's wearing? That lingerie is totally vredne! I wouldn't be caught dead!"
6. Next to each bed there would be a pretty ceramic dish with a complement of nail files for the ladies to use during.
7. In addition to the social rooms and the play/sex rooms there would also be a Mah Johng room!
"Other people have a nationality, the Irish and the Jews have a psychosis"
-Brendan Behan
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Blissful Headway
Two rooms done and organized.
More items to the curb for pick up tomorrow.
More artwork hung and items arranged artfully.
Headway is being made. Massively.
If things go as planned, tomorrow I will be done with one more room, making three of six totally done.
Done. As in deep cleaned and sparkling and ready for Christmas decorations to descend upon them in heaps of glittery glory!! *squee!*
This is my reward for all the hard work - the fun of putting all the pretty things in their place. That, and I needed my laser level today for hanging some pictures and I knew right where it and the Hercules Hooks were and put them right back when I was done.
This is the bliss of giving in to my inner need for clean and order. :D
"If you follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track, which has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living."
-Joseph Campbell
More items to the curb for pick up tomorrow.
More artwork hung and items arranged artfully.
Headway is being made. Massively.
If things go as planned, tomorrow I will be done with one more room, making three of six totally done.
Done. As in deep cleaned and sparkling and ready for Christmas decorations to descend upon them in heaps of glittery glory!! *squee!*
This is my reward for all the hard work - the fun of putting all the pretty things in their place. That, and I needed my laser level today for hanging some pictures and I knew right where it and the Hercules Hooks were and put them right back when I was done.
This is the bliss of giving in to my inner need for clean and order. :D
"If you follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track, which has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living."
-Joseph Campbell
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Good, Bad...I'm the one laughing...
The other night I went out to the movies with two of my girlfriends. It was not a big night out by any means. We had hot dogs and mac and cheese for dinner and then we went to the dollar theater after. The three of us, however, could have a party in a great white void, so we were pretty wound by the time we got there. Then, F dropped her cup of salt for her popcorn (Yes, a small cup with salt in it - we're setting aside for flowers for her first Myocardial Infarction.) while bending over to get the bottle of water she dropped and P nearly dropped her drink while helping F, then they just about both fell over because they both bent over again at the same time....all I could say was "Hey Moe!" and we just about peed ourselves there in the theater lobby. If there had been a rake or a push broom nearby one of us would have stepped on it.
The shaggy haired teenaged boy behind the counter was completely non-plussed. I guess gaggles of crazy women are the norm for him or he was too stoned to laugh. Either way....poor thing. (I did offer to sweep up the salt myself but the manager told me no.)
We laughed all the way to our seats and then it just got worse as we sat down and arranged ourselves. We yammered for the whole time before the movie and laughed our asses off at ourselves. We even updated our Facebooks and Tweeted about what we were doing.
After a bit, there were a bunch of college age kids behind us and a bunch of high school kids in front of us. I think we may have scandalized them with our "behaviour" during the movie - we were literally howling with laughter at points! (BTW, if you haven't seen "The Hangover" do yourself a favor and GO!)
I know we scandalized them a bit as we got some "looks" every once in a while. Those all knowing teenager "looks", the one's that say "OMG! How can you act like this!! You're OVER 30!! " I'm sure we annoyed the piss out of them. Points to us!
Yet, I really wanted to say something to them, especially the girls in the crowd. I really wanted to pull them aside and say "Look, you're gonna think this sounds nuts now, but I want you to know that I really,REALLY hope you have girlfriends like mine when you are older. Ones you can laugh right out loud with, and be stupid and crass with no matter what. Because those same women are the ones you know you can cry with and get angry at your life with and they'll be there no matter what. I really, really hope you go to the movies and get real loud someday, honey."
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning"
-Unknown
(Also, special points to you if you recognize the phrase used for the title as a slight bastardization of a movie quote!!)
The shaggy haired teenaged boy behind the counter was completely non-plussed. I guess gaggles of crazy women are the norm for him or he was too stoned to laugh. Either way....poor thing. (I did offer to sweep up the salt myself but the manager told me no.)
We laughed all the way to our seats and then it just got worse as we sat down and arranged ourselves. We yammered for the whole time before the movie and laughed our asses off at ourselves. We even updated our Facebooks and Tweeted about what we were doing.
After a bit, there were a bunch of college age kids behind us and a bunch of high school kids in front of us. I think we may have scandalized them with our "behaviour" during the movie - we were literally howling with laughter at points! (BTW, if you haven't seen "The Hangover" do yourself a favor and GO!)
I know we scandalized them a bit as we got some "looks" every once in a while. Those all knowing teenager "looks", the one's that say "OMG! How can you act like this!! You're OVER 30!! " I'm sure we annoyed the piss out of them. Points to us!
Yet, I really wanted to say something to them, especially the girls in the crowd. I really wanted to pull them aside and say "Look, you're gonna think this sounds nuts now, but I want you to know that I really,REALLY hope you have girlfriends like mine when you are older. Ones you can laugh right out loud with, and be stupid and crass with no matter what. Because those same women are the ones you know you can cry with and get angry at your life with and they'll be there no matter what. I really, really hope you go to the movies and get real loud someday, honey."
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning"
-Unknown
(Also, special points to you if you recognize the phrase used for the title as a slight bastardization of a movie quote!!)
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
a post!
Quick entry cuz I keep falling asleep early this week!!! gah!!
I am inundated with opportunities of late. Some for travel, some for play, some for relationships-all mine for the taking. The only preventatives from leaping on them all is time and money.
What a wonderful difference in my life from just two years ago when I felt so isolated and boxed in by a failing marriage and failing mental health. What a blessed release the divorce was for me. What a fabulous life I am now leading.
More later on the first opportunity I am grabbing!
"He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed"
-William James
I am inundated with opportunities of late. Some for travel, some for play, some for relationships-all mine for the taking. The only preventatives from leaping on them all is time and money.
What a wonderful difference in my life from just two years ago when I felt so isolated and boxed in by a failing marriage and failing mental health. What a blessed release the divorce was for me. What a fabulous life I am now leading.
More later on the first opportunity I am grabbing!
"He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed"
-William James
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I spent last night in the arms of an old friend. We have known each other for going on twenty years but last night was the first time we'd ended up naked together.
The sex was great, but what was even better was that it felt so...normal. Just an extension of our already established love for one another.
It was a very tender thing to finally be able to express that.
"Love unexpressed is a crime against the heart"
-Unknown
The sex was great, but what was even better was that it felt so...normal. Just an extension of our already established love for one another.
It was a very tender thing to finally be able to express that.
"Love unexpressed is a crime against the heart"
-Unknown
Saturday, November 7, 2009
House Blessing/Self Care
Today is a fine fall day!! Most likely one of the last we will have in these parts. I have opened the windows in the house to let in the breeze - no matter that it has that crisp edge to it, like the taste of a honeycrisp apple on your tongue. I want to gather in all that tang and sweet into my house one more time before the cold of winter takes over on the wind.
I am STILL cleaning and organizing. I am struggling to reframe my thoughts about housework - to think of it not as "work" but as "blessing". I am being semi-successful at this.
Right now I am sitting in a mostly finished living room - only dusting and carrying out of items to the curb to go - and I love the peaceful feeling I get in here. There is laundry in the washer and dryer, becoming clean and pretty again. After the next load I will have sweet scented sheets to put back on the bed. These are all wonderful happy-making things.
What is difficult is acknowledging that I am not the best at doing this kind of work while not using that as a reason to berate myself for being a failure of some kind. It is simply a statement of fact: I do not upkeep my house continuously.
I even had to revise that last sentence to take the judgment out of it! Originally it was "I am not good at housework". No. That is not true, because when I do it, it gets done very well. I do not do it all the time. The latter IS true and there is no judgment in that sentence.
When I can get beyond this judging myself business, then it is easy to move on to statements that are also true: I feel happy and peaceful when my house is straightened up because I know where things are and where they belong. I feel anxious and overwhelmed when things are cluttered because my things are in disarray and I do not know where they are.
Getting beyond this judgment of self and getting down to how I actually FEEEEEL about my home and the state in which it resides has been helpful. Knowing that I am far more happy when things are done leads me to do it more often.
So silly, those voices in our heads that berate us and keep us from doing what truly makes us happy. I am not perfect at combating them, and I don't know if I ever will be, but I am learning and growing and telling them to shut the hell up more and more and more.
"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete"
-Thich Naht Hanh
I am STILL cleaning and organizing. I am struggling to reframe my thoughts about housework - to think of it not as "work" but as "blessing". I am being semi-successful at this.
Right now I am sitting in a mostly finished living room - only dusting and carrying out of items to the curb to go - and I love the peaceful feeling I get in here. There is laundry in the washer and dryer, becoming clean and pretty again. After the next load I will have sweet scented sheets to put back on the bed. These are all wonderful happy-making things.
What is difficult is acknowledging that I am not the best at doing this kind of work while not using that as a reason to berate myself for being a failure of some kind. It is simply a statement of fact: I do not upkeep my house continuously.
I even had to revise that last sentence to take the judgment out of it! Originally it was "I am not good at housework". No. That is not true, because when I do it, it gets done very well. I do not do it all the time. The latter IS true and there is no judgment in that sentence.
When I can get beyond this judging myself business, then it is easy to move on to statements that are also true: I feel happy and peaceful when my house is straightened up because I know where things are and where they belong. I feel anxious and overwhelmed when things are cluttered because my things are in disarray and I do not know where they are.
Getting beyond this judgment of self and getting down to how I actually FEEEEEL about my home and the state in which it resides has been helpful. Knowing that I am far more happy when things are done leads me to do it more often.
So silly, those voices in our heads that berate us and keep us from doing what truly makes us happy. I am not perfect at combating them, and I don't know if I ever will be, but I am learning and growing and telling them to shut the hell up more and more and more.
"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete"
-Thich Naht Hanh
Friday, November 6, 2009
a post!
No update yesterday. A friend needed cheering up and I thought that was more important than a blog. More later today!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
NaBloPoMo and more
So I just found out about NaBloPoMo!!! (National Blog Posting Month), and while I don't know if I have a whole novel in my head, I know that I can commit to posting every day this month. Unfortunately, I found out about this AFTER I had already skipped a day of posting for the month so I can't win any of the "fabulous prizes" given out because it is November, but that's okay. I didn't want to win anything, I just wanted the challenge of writing every day. So here I am, posting daily for the month - and hopefully beyond.
I've got a lot going through my head today.
I am dealing with a bit of sub drop. Okay, maybe more than a bit. It's not been debilitating because I was ready for it and set myself up with letting friends who would understand know about it and leaned on them (am leaning) for support. It's been a long time since I've played so much in so short a time. It felt so good!!! But afterwards I know I go inward to process, and without that support net beneath me I can go too far in and get depressed.
A lot of the processing I have been doing during this round of introspective sub drop is about relationships. I know for sure that I am not ready to be in anything serious right now. Any time anyone tries to attach ties to me, or corrall me in some way I am as skittish as an antelope on the back end of the herd. To me, Ms. Relationship Builder, this is telling. I need time. I am forming more and more a picture of what I want out of a serious partner as this time goes on. As much as I want someone in my life, I am glad I can recognize that taking time with myself will only make things better in the end.
"Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn't wait to get to work in the morning: I wanted to know what I was going to say."
~Sharon O'Brien
“You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”
-Keith Sweat
I've got a lot going through my head today.
I am dealing with a bit of sub drop. Okay, maybe more than a bit. It's not been debilitating because I was ready for it and set myself up with letting friends who would understand know about it and leaned on them (am leaning) for support. It's been a long time since I've played so much in so short a time. It felt so good!!! But afterwards I know I go inward to process, and without that support net beneath me I can go too far in and get depressed.
A lot of the processing I have been doing during this round of introspective sub drop is about relationships. I know for sure that I am not ready to be in anything serious right now. Any time anyone tries to attach ties to me, or corrall me in some way I am as skittish as an antelope on the back end of the herd. To me, Ms. Relationship Builder, this is telling. I need time. I am forming more and more a picture of what I want out of a serious partner as this time goes on. As much as I want someone in my life, I am glad I can recognize that taking time with myself will only make things better in the end.
"Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn't wait to get to work in the morning: I wanted to know what I was going to say."
~Sharon O'Brien
“You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”
-Keith Sweat
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Things I've learned while living on my own, in no particular order:
1. I now say "One, please" instead of "Just one" when going out to eat by myself. "JUST one" sounds so...sad. While "One please" sounds a bit more together and less pathetic.
2. I own a shit ton of books. Really. Good lord. Where the hell do they all come from? And how do they keep multiplying!!?? I could open my own lending library folks. And yet, I still love holding them all in my hands and rereading them all. Its like revisiting old friends. I've considered a Kindle but I might have to get TWO in order to fit in all the books I currently own plus new ones I want (j/k....kinda....)
3. I still can't finish a drink to save my life. Ever. I leave a trail of half full glasses behind me. No matter how hard I try I am constantly picking them up and bringing them back to the kitchen to dump them out. I am ONE person in this house and I go through almost ALL the glasses in the house every five days or so. Crazy!! I hope whomever I live with next can deal with this, because it is a lifelong trait that ain't going away! LOL!
4. I hate doing dishes.
4a. But I can get them done in fifteen minutes if I set a timer and race. So, not bad in the grand scheme of things.
5. I like my bed but making a king size bed on your own kinda sucks. I have a knack for it now though. :)
6. I do a lot of laundry, but I am doing better at not having piles of it this way.
7. I like my closet organized by color.
8. I own a lot of shoes. And this is a good thing. *squee*
9. I both love and hate that I have no one else to bitch at about housework. It's all me, baby!!! I gotta train the cats to vacuum and dust.
10. Despite rumors to the contrary, I am actually doing really well living on my own. I like it. I'm not scared at night. I don't have to sleep with a light on or the tv on anymore. I have my own safe space to be in that is all mine. It's rather nice coming home at night to that. Sure, life's not perfect, but then again, who's is??
"You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with"
-Wayne Dyer
1. I now say "One, please" instead of "Just one" when going out to eat by myself. "JUST one" sounds so...sad. While "One please" sounds a bit more together and less pathetic.
2. I own a shit ton of books. Really. Good lord. Where the hell do they all come from? And how do they keep multiplying!!?? I could open my own lending library folks. And yet, I still love holding them all in my hands and rereading them all. Its like revisiting old friends. I've considered a Kindle but I might have to get TWO in order to fit in all the books I currently own plus new ones I want (j/k....kinda....)
3. I still can't finish a drink to save my life. Ever. I leave a trail of half full glasses behind me. No matter how hard I try I am constantly picking them up and bringing them back to the kitchen to dump them out. I am ONE person in this house and I go through almost ALL the glasses in the house every five days or so. Crazy!! I hope whomever I live with next can deal with this, because it is a lifelong trait that ain't going away! LOL!
4. I hate doing dishes.
4a. But I can get them done in fifteen minutes if I set a timer and race. So, not bad in the grand scheme of things.
5. I like my bed but making a king size bed on your own kinda sucks. I have a knack for it now though. :)
6. I do a lot of laundry, but I am doing better at not having piles of it this way.
7. I like my closet organized by color.
8. I own a lot of shoes. And this is a good thing. *squee*
9. I both love and hate that I have no one else to bitch at about housework. It's all me, baby!!! I gotta train the cats to vacuum and dust.
10. Despite rumors to the contrary, I am actually doing really well living on my own. I like it. I'm not scared at night. I don't have to sleep with a light on or the tv on anymore. I have my own safe space to be in that is all mine. It's rather nice coming home at night to that. Sure, life's not perfect, but then again, who's is??
"You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with"
-Wayne Dyer
Monday, November 2, 2009
Clubbing the Inspiration Fairy
(Alrighty, I'm attempting the MWF thing again here folks. Bear with me while I see if I can do it...)
It's November...which, to me, heralds not only the onset of holidays but also the onset of many of my friends hunkering down over their keyboards and participating in NaNoWriMo. (National Novel Writing Month). They try to complete a novel in one month's time.
I hear a lot about word count goals missed, achieved or surpassed. I hear a lot about coffee fueled nights near the end of the month trying to catch up and finish before the last day comes and goes. I have to say, I'm a bit jealous of all this.
It's an open thing, I could totally participate if I chose to do so. But...butbutbut....the cold hard truth is that I have no idea what in the WORLD I would write about. I have no muse pressing down upon me with enough ideas for a whole novel. I have NO plot, no character that compels me to write about them THAT much.
I've been told many times that I need to keep writing, that it's in me to be an author, that I have something to give to the world in print. Meanwhile, I keep waiting for inspiration to strike or at least sidle up to me and give me a nudge.
I love writing, I love expressing myself through words. It makes me feel happy to sit and play with vocabulary to get the exact meaning I want to convey out of a sentence. I just don't know if I have a novel in me yet.
To that effect, I am going to do my own version of NaNoWriMo. I just want to write every day. I am not terribly concerned with what I'm writing, just that stuff is getting put down on the page. Maybe, if its coherent stuff I'll post it here and share it with you, my three regular readers. LOL!
Who knows, maybe I'll write myself INTO inspiration for a novel.....
"You can't wait for inspiration> You have to go after it with a club."
-Jack London
It's November...which, to me, heralds not only the onset of holidays but also the onset of many of my friends hunkering down over their keyboards and participating in NaNoWriMo. (National Novel Writing Month). They try to complete a novel in one month's time.
I hear a lot about word count goals missed, achieved or surpassed. I hear a lot about coffee fueled nights near the end of the month trying to catch up and finish before the last day comes and goes. I have to say, I'm a bit jealous of all this.
It's an open thing, I could totally participate if I chose to do so. But...butbutbut....the cold hard truth is that I have no idea what in the WORLD I would write about. I have no muse pressing down upon me with enough ideas for a whole novel. I have NO plot, no character that compels me to write about them THAT much.
I've been told many times that I need to keep writing, that it's in me to be an author, that I have something to give to the world in print. Meanwhile, I keep waiting for inspiration to strike or at least sidle up to me and give me a nudge.
I love writing, I love expressing myself through words. It makes me feel happy to sit and play with vocabulary to get the exact meaning I want to convey out of a sentence. I just don't know if I have a novel in me yet.
To that effect, I am going to do my own version of NaNoWriMo. I just want to write every day. I am not terribly concerned with what I'm writing, just that stuff is getting put down on the page. Maybe, if its coherent stuff I'll post it here and share it with you, my three regular readers. LOL!
Who knows, maybe I'll write myself INTO inspiration for a novel.....
"You can't wait for inspiration> You have to go after it with a club."
-Jack London
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Bittersweet Sentimentality
It never fails to amaze me, the things that retain meaning to some folks and not to others. I guess that just means that some people are more sentimental than others. I count myself in that first group - although not to a fault. I do, however, like to press a flower from any bouquet I might receive or put aside a keepsake from important occasions. Heck, I have recently started the "tradition" of buying a Christmas ornament from each new place I travel to so I can have a bit of a travelogue on my tree every year. (The goal being to eventually have a tree of only these ornaments because I will have traveled so many places!)
Being the sentimental sort, the date of my former wedding anniversary has been bittersweet for me. It is on a holiday, so its difficult to forget. Last year, for the first one as a single person again, I took the day off from work and spent it with friends. It was good. I reclaimed it a bit. This year, I decided that I was going to be adventurous and go to a party with a fetish theme all on my own. A bit of declaration of being my own personage and a bit of staring the bittersweet in the face and saying "NYAH!" Still though, I don't think I'll ever be able to completely disassociate the date with my first wedding. (Isn't that optimistic of me? FIRST wedding! Hee!)
I imagined that my Ex would be doing similar things. The holiday was his favorite and he was the one who requested it be our wedding date. I am positive it is a bittersweet time of year for him too.
You can imagine, then, the shock this sentimental girl felt when the Ex called and announced that he and his gf would be getting married....on the same holiday.
I guess his method of saying "Nyah!" is a bit more.....loud....than mine.
"Sentimentality-- That's what we call the sentiment we don't share."
-Graham Greene
"I feel extremely lucky, extremely grateful, and a little bittersweet too"
-Wentworth Miller
Being the sentimental sort, the date of my former wedding anniversary has been bittersweet for me. It is on a holiday, so its difficult to forget. Last year, for the first one as a single person again, I took the day off from work and spent it with friends. It was good. I reclaimed it a bit. This year, I decided that I was going to be adventurous and go to a party with a fetish theme all on my own. A bit of declaration of being my own personage and a bit of staring the bittersweet in the face and saying "NYAH!" Still though, I don't think I'll ever be able to completely disassociate the date with my first wedding. (Isn't that optimistic of me? FIRST wedding! Hee!)
I imagined that my Ex would be doing similar things. The holiday was his favorite and he was the one who requested it be our wedding date. I am positive it is a bittersweet time of year for him too.
You can imagine, then, the shock this sentimental girl felt when the Ex called and announced that he and his gf would be getting married....on the same holiday.
I guess his method of saying "Nyah!" is a bit more.....loud....than mine.
"Sentimentality-- That's what we call the sentiment we don't share."
-Graham Greene
"I feel extremely lucky, extremely grateful, and a little bittersweet too"
-Wentworth Miller
Monday, September 14, 2009
Universal Whammo
There are days I am so very much amused at the things the Universe throws my way. Especially after I have made statements about my life and how I wish to live it, then WHAMMO something regarding that gets flung at me.
Example: I have come to a realization that I do not wish to live my life without my current relationships; far flung though some of them may be. This means that I wish to continue living as a polyamorous person and do all the work and communication that goes along with this. I waffled for a while, but truly, this makes me happy and so I do not wish to change this.
WHAMMO - I am called up by someone out of the blue who has questions about this very topic. The whole how/what/why/where/when of it all. In essence they say "Look, you are doing this and you seem to have a clue. What can you tell me? Advise me? Which direction can you point me?"
Often I feel totally under prepared to answer things like this - who am I to speak on this subject (and trust me, its more than just poly that gets flung at me)? But, speak I do. Mostly, I lead with my heart and what I'm hearing in the other person's voice or reading in their face/body. Many times, people don't want the nitty gritty, they just really want to know that they are going to be okay. Many times they want advice but I try very hard to lead them to what they already know. Many times I miss the mark and get preachy and advice-giving. Mostly, I try to just listen.
All of this falls under the category of "Priestessing" for me. My spiritual path is a pagan one, and a very eclectic pagan one at that. What I have felt drawn towards in the last year is the idea of not being some kind of leader but being a person who can facilitate and perhaps light a path for others - you know...listening to and maybe giving advice to people who ask....
I feel inadequate at times for the things that are placed in my path, for these opportunities to priestess, but when the same things are placed there again and again in a positive manner, I kind of feel there's a reason I'm put in the situation. Maybe I do have something good to say on the topic or maybe I'm just really easy to talk to. Whatever the case, I guess I just want to say this to the Universe and those that have asked questions of me: Thanks for trusting me.
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved"
-George MacDonald
Example: I have come to a realization that I do not wish to live my life without my current relationships; far flung though some of them may be. This means that I wish to continue living as a polyamorous person and do all the work and communication that goes along with this. I waffled for a while, but truly, this makes me happy and so I do not wish to change this.
WHAMMO - I am called up by someone out of the blue who has questions about this very topic. The whole how/what/why/where/when of it all. In essence they say "Look, you are doing this and you seem to have a clue. What can you tell me? Advise me? Which direction can you point me?"
Often I feel totally under prepared to answer things like this - who am I to speak on this subject (and trust me, its more than just poly that gets flung at me)? But, speak I do. Mostly, I lead with my heart and what I'm hearing in the other person's voice or reading in their face/body. Many times, people don't want the nitty gritty, they just really want to know that they are going to be okay. Many times they want advice but I try very hard to lead them to what they already know. Many times I miss the mark and get preachy and advice-giving. Mostly, I try to just listen.
All of this falls under the category of "Priestessing" for me. My spiritual path is a pagan one, and a very eclectic pagan one at that. What I have felt drawn towards in the last year is the idea of not being some kind of leader but being a person who can facilitate and perhaps light a path for others - you know...listening to and maybe giving advice to people who ask....
I feel inadequate at times for the things that are placed in my path, for these opportunities to priestess, but when the same things are placed there again and again in a positive manner, I kind of feel there's a reason I'm put in the situation. Maybe I do have something good to say on the topic or maybe I'm just really easy to talk to. Whatever the case, I guess I just want to say this to the Universe and those that have asked questions of me: Thanks for trusting me.
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved"
-George MacDonald
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Small Gifts
I continue to knit. To knit and knit and knit and KNIT.
You see, I have wanted to make something for everyone in my family for Christmas this year, so I have a veritable shit-ton (yes, that is a technical term) of things to finish in the increasingly SHORT time left before the holidays. Eeee!
Even among the panic though, I am comforted by the run of yarn through my fingers. The easy snick-snick the needles make when I'm purling or knitting a stitch. The softness of the finished product as it drops down onto my lap, growing ever longer and longer until I cast off and fold up the giftie into its wee box. :)
It's really not that much of a gift when you look at it. It's a small item. And you could actually buy one at a store without even thinking. This is the attitude I got from my Mom when I told her of my plan. To be exact she said "Oh, that's IT? You aren't getting them anything else?"
Um.
No.
We don't really NEED a darn thing in my family. We are all well off enough to have all the geegaws we could ever want. What I want to give my family this year is tiny bits of me - of my gratitude for them. I want them to remember that I sat and ran my hands over every inch of fiber that went into their item, that I picked it out just for them when I got the yarn, that I put love and warmth and joy and happy into every stitch for them.
Sometimes, this life makes it so easy to forget that love doesn't always come with a high price tag and an opulent presentation. Sometimes it comes in the form of a small box filled with wool that has been knotted in a precise fashion to form a small object that someone made just for you and you alone.
“Every gift which is given, even though is be small, is in reality great, if it is given with affection”
-Pindar
You see, I have wanted to make something for everyone in my family for Christmas this year, so I have a veritable shit-ton (yes, that is a technical term) of things to finish in the increasingly SHORT time left before the holidays. Eeee!
Even among the panic though, I am comforted by the run of yarn through my fingers. The easy snick-snick the needles make when I'm purling or knitting a stitch. The softness of the finished product as it drops down onto my lap, growing ever longer and longer until I cast off and fold up the giftie into its wee box. :)
It's really not that much of a gift when you look at it. It's a small item. And you could actually buy one at a store without even thinking. This is the attitude I got from my Mom when I told her of my plan. To be exact she said "Oh, that's IT? You aren't getting them anything else?"
Um.
No.
We don't really NEED a darn thing in my family. We are all well off enough to have all the geegaws we could ever want. What I want to give my family this year is tiny bits of me - of my gratitude for them. I want them to remember that I sat and ran my hands over every inch of fiber that went into their item, that I picked it out just for them when I got the yarn, that I put love and warmth and joy and happy into every stitch for them.
Sometimes, this life makes it so easy to forget that love doesn't always come with a high price tag and an opulent presentation. Sometimes it comes in the form of a small box filled with wool that has been knotted in a precise fashion to form a small object that someone made just for you and you alone.
“Every gift which is given, even though is be small, is in reality great, if it is given with affection”
-Pindar
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Choosing the Good Ones
The Year of Firsts has come and gone.
I am feeling rather ambivalent about it, actually. I certainly managed to get through everything just fine. I never really dreaded doing anything or getting through any of the "important dates" on the calendar. As I said in the last post I made, I've gotten through with as much grace as I could muster. :)
So, the question now is - what next? What do I want from my life, now that this section of it is over?
It's a terribly interesting feeling - being able to take my life in any direction I want. As someone I know has put it, I have the chance to write my own story - any story I want for myself.
I know some of the things I am putting in the story: lots of travel, financial stability and plenty, health, family and friends a plenty.
And, a partner to share it all with.
It sounds like a wonderful story to me. I think I shall enjoy writing it.
"Thoughts become things...choose the good ones"
-Mike Dooley
www.tut.com
I am feeling rather ambivalent about it, actually. I certainly managed to get through everything just fine. I never really dreaded doing anything or getting through any of the "important dates" on the calendar. As I said in the last post I made, I've gotten through with as much grace as I could muster. :)
So, the question now is - what next? What do I want from my life, now that this section of it is over?
It's a terribly interesting feeling - being able to take my life in any direction I want. As someone I know has put it, I have the chance to write my own story - any story I want for myself.
I know some of the things I am putting in the story: lots of travel, financial stability and plenty, health, family and friends a plenty.
And, a partner to share it all with.
It sounds like a wonderful story to me. I think I shall enjoy writing it.
"Thoughts become things...choose the good ones"
-Mike Dooley
www.tut.com
Monday, July 20, 2009
Coming into Shore
Where to begin? I fell of the regular update bandwagon again. I'm climbing back up once more. I need to figure out a time that I can write and get myself a padding of a few weeks stuff. This may mean I have to curtail my online goof off time at night. The HORROR!
It's been an interesting few months. More firsts in the Year of Firsts. This past weekend was my first birthday without the Ex. He was very good about always doing something for my birthday - be it just a simple dinner out or a full fledged party. There was always something though, and always a cake.
Seeing as there really wasn't anyone who was going to organize a fete for me, I decided to do it myself. I resurrected a favorite outing of mine - a trip to the nearby Ren Faire. I invited friends, had a theme - Pirates! - and threw myself a party, baby! (This is definitely in the purview of "No Wallowing!!") It was wonderful! I had a lovely time! I bought myself another art piece from the Faire that will grace my kitchen. I also bought myself a corset that can be laced niiiiiice and firm that will grace...other places. ;)
And yet, there were several moments that I was blindsided. Yes, the Ren Faire trip was something that was MY thing we did a lot for my birthday. Yes, it had been several years since we had gone, and I was so excited to be there. I really did have a great time. Yet, my breath left me for a moment when I saw the hat shop the Ex used to love. And my eyes watered to see the jeweler he bought me something at every year. I found myself in conversation with someone from the medieval reenactment group and had the moment again of having to identify myself as "So and so's former wife" so they would know who I was.
That last one is the most difficult for me. Surprisingly, it is not having to say "former wife" that bothers me. It just brings up what the crux of my issues were at the end of our marriage - I was sidelined a lot. I wasn't recognized for me, but for whom I was attached to and even then, many people didn't know I was his WIFE - they just thought I was a friend or some chick in the background or whatever. A difficult situation because I see now that the more I was upset the more I retreated. And yet, he didn't really care to come after me,either, at that point. Such a mess!!!
I'm at four weeks until the Year of Firsts is over. Less than thirty days, to be accurate. My life has changed so drastically in ways, and not at all in others. I wish that I could say these "Blindside Moments" would be all done and over with on that date by some magical power. Even I, the eternal optimist, know that is not going to happen. What I do know, is that on that date, I will have made it out the other end of this Year of Firsts - and handled all those firsts with as much grace as I could muster. And that's nothing to sneeze at, even if it wasn't always "so quiet and sweet a style". *wink*
"If one has to submit, it is wasteful not to do so with the best grace possible."
-Winston Churchill
"Happy is your grace that can translate the stubbornness of fortune into so quiet and sweet a style."
-Wm. Shakespeare
"You are so weak. Give up to Grace.
The ocean takes care of each wave
til it gets to shore."
-Rumi
It's been an interesting few months. More firsts in the Year of Firsts. This past weekend was my first birthday without the Ex. He was very good about always doing something for my birthday - be it just a simple dinner out or a full fledged party. There was always something though, and always a cake.
Seeing as there really wasn't anyone who was going to organize a fete for me, I decided to do it myself. I resurrected a favorite outing of mine - a trip to the nearby Ren Faire. I invited friends, had a theme - Pirates! - and threw myself a party, baby! (This is definitely in the purview of "No Wallowing!!") It was wonderful! I had a lovely time! I bought myself another art piece from the Faire that will grace my kitchen. I also bought myself a corset that can be laced niiiiiice and firm that will grace...other places. ;)
And yet, there were several moments that I was blindsided. Yes, the Ren Faire trip was something that was MY thing we did a lot for my birthday. Yes, it had been several years since we had gone, and I was so excited to be there. I really did have a great time. Yet, my breath left me for a moment when I saw the hat shop the Ex used to love. And my eyes watered to see the jeweler he bought me something at every year. I found myself in conversation with someone from the medieval reenactment group and had the moment again of having to identify myself as "So and so's former wife" so they would know who I was.
That last one is the most difficult for me. Surprisingly, it is not having to say "former wife" that bothers me. It just brings up what the crux of my issues were at the end of our marriage - I was sidelined a lot. I wasn't recognized for me, but for whom I was attached to and even then, many people didn't know I was his WIFE - they just thought I was a friend or some chick in the background or whatever. A difficult situation because I see now that the more I was upset the more I retreated. And yet, he didn't really care to come after me,either, at that point. Such a mess!!!
I'm at four weeks until the Year of Firsts is over. Less than thirty days, to be accurate. My life has changed so drastically in ways, and not at all in others. I wish that I could say these "Blindside Moments" would be all done and over with on that date by some magical power. Even I, the eternal optimist, know that is not going to happen. What I do know, is that on that date, I will have made it out the other end of this Year of Firsts - and handled all those firsts with as much grace as I could muster. And that's nothing to sneeze at, even if it wasn't always "so quiet and sweet a style". *wink*
"If one has to submit, it is wasteful not to do so with the best grace possible."
-Winston Churchill
"Happy is your grace that can translate the stubbornness of fortune into so quiet and sweet a style."
-Wm. Shakespeare
"You are so weak. Give up to Grace.
The ocean takes care of each wave
til it gets to shore."
-Rumi
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Yes, Virginia, Grammar Counts
I am still on several dating websites, even though I've lost a lot of interest in the idea of "dating" of late (and that's a whole other post). On one of these sites, which caters to the kinky, one can keep a "journal" there and write little snippets etc.
After one evening of perusing the site, I wrote a journal post there in a fit of pique. I wrote about several items but the first was "Grammar counts". I know that in the world of the internet, good writing skills are not highly prized. But, on a site where one is representing oneself solely through the written word, doncha think that at least using spell check would be in order? I'm not even going to talk about the problem most people apparently have with homonyms OR the fact that if you are someone who likes to control your partner you are a DOMINANT, not, as so many seem to think, a "dominate".
After I posted this little rant, I fully expected to be flamed mercilessly. I mean, how DARE I expect cohesive sentences and proper spelling!!!
Well, it took a few months, but I did get the first sorta flame-y email. The main question posed in the email was: Wasn't I more interested in a person's thoughts, feelings and who they are than whether or not they had grammar skills???
Hmmm.
Of COURSE I'm more interested in getting to know someone more than using a red pen on their profile. Yet...
...first impressions count for a lot.
More importantly, I've had friends and lovers dump me because I was "talking too smart" or "acting too smart". I really don't want to repeat that, as it was pretty hurtful at the time to be told that I was a snob for using words not everyone understood and that I was doing it "on purpose". I just want to be me without worrying that I'm too this or that or having to watch what I say just to make someone else feel comfortable.
Even more importantly, this site is designed to bring together folks from either side of the D/s equation. Many are on there representing themselves as someone who can train another or aid someone in becoming more disciplined in their life. Yet, they can't be bothered to even spell check or to write a complete sentence? To me, this bodes not well for their abilities elsewhere when that writing is the only thing I have to go by as to whether or not I wish to contact them. They could be the best person in the world of BDSM, but how would I know that from the l33t speak and the abbreviations of three letter words that they have put out there. They demand respect and attention to detail from their S.O's but do not care to have it for themselves? I don't grok it.
Therefore, I stand by my thought that grammar counts. Especially when the only thing you have representing you is your words.
“Life is tons of discipline. Your first discipline is your vocabulary; then your grammar and your punctuation Then, in your exuberance and bounding energy you say you're going to add to that. Then you add rhyme and meter. And your delight is in that power.” -Robert Frost
After one evening of perusing the site, I wrote a journal post there in a fit of pique. I wrote about several items but the first was "Grammar counts". I know that in the world of the internet, good writing skills are not highly prized. But, on a site where one is representing oneself solely through the written word, doncha think that at least using spell check would be in order? I'm not even going to talk about the problem most people apparently have with homonyms OR the fact that if you are someone who likes to control your partner you are a DOMINANT, not, as so many seem to think, a "dominate".
After I posted this little rant, I fully expected to be flamed mercilessly. I mean, how DARE I expect cohesive sentences and proper spelling!!!
Well, it took a few months, but I did get the first sorta flame-y email. The main question posed in the email was: Wasn't I more interested in a person's thoughts, feelings and who they are than whether or not they had grammar skills???
Hmmm.
Of COURSE I'm more interested in getting to know someone more than using a red pen on their profile. Yet...
...first impressions count for a lot.
More importantly, I've had friends and lovers dump me because I was "talking too smart" or "acting too smart". I really don't want to repeat that, as it was pretty hurtful at the time to be told that I was a snob for using words not everyone understood and that I was doing it "on purpose". I just want to be me without worrying that I'm too this or that or having to watch what I say just to make someone else feel comfortable.
Even more importantly, this site is designed to bring together folks from either side of the D/s equation. Many are on there representing themselves as someone who can train another or aid someone in becoming more disciplined in their life. Yet, they can't be bothered to even spell check or to write a complete sentence? To me, this bodes not well for their abilities elsewhere when that writing is the only thing I have to go by as to whether or not I wish to contact them. They could be the best person in the world of BDSM, but how would I know that from the l33t speak and the abbreviations of three letter words that they have put out there. They demand respect and attention to detail from their S.O's but do not care to have it for themselves? I don't grok it.
Therefore, I stand by my thought that grammar counts. Especially when the only thing you have representing you is your words.
“Life is tons of discipline. Your first discipline is your vocabulary; then your grammar and your punctuation Then, in your exuberance and bounding energy you say you're going to add to that. Then you add rhyme and meter. And your delight is in that power.” -Robert Frost
Topical Solutions
Now that the divorce is final, I'm wondering a bit about the name of this blog and the topics it is going to cover.
I'm beyond the separation portion - hell, I'm beyond the "getting divorced" portion. Now I can refer to the ex AS the "Ex" and not the "STB-Ex". Plus, I really think I've talked myself out on the emotional crazy of getting divorced. I want to focus more on what I'm doing NOW and not what has occurred in the past.
Topics I've talked about on here before include both knitting and sex. I really like both of those topics so I'm sure they'll pop up again (and again.) However, I will say that I don't expect to blend the two. As a new knitter, if I have enough concentration to continue purling while having sex, something is NOT RIGHT.
Knitting and sex are two very hot topics on the web these days as well. I mean, if the blog isn't about yarn its about dildos, really. Rarely is it both though (and please don't link me to the five hundred thousand sex and knitting blogs out there that I am SURE exist.) so maybe I'm venturing into new territory? Maybe not.
Still, as I've said from the beginning, this is my little corner of the intarweeb and I'm gonna talk here about what I want.
I will say that part of this is also about my need to write. It's not so much that I "want" to have a blog or be on the internet, but that I have a need to write stuff out. This seems as good a way as any to get some stuff down, work on my writerly skills and have fun doing so. We all know its more difficult to write when there is no direct topic, hence my attempt at naming some for this blog.
So, welcome to Amicable Separation Part Deux: The Search for Personal Happiness During My Year of Firsts Via Knitting and Sex Blog.
"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia"
-E. L. Doctorow
I'm beyond the separation portion - hell, I'm beyond the "getting divorced" portion. Now I can refer to the ex AS the "Ex" and not the "STB-Ex". Plus, I really think I've talked myself out on the emotional crazy of getting divorced. I want to focus more on what I'm doing NOW and not what has occurred in the past.
Topics I've talked about on here before include both knitting and sex. I really like both of those topics so I'm sure they'll pop up again (and again.) However, I will say that I don't expect to blend the two. As a new knitter, if I have enough concentration to continue purling while having sex, something is NOT RIGHT.
Knitting and sex are two very hot topics on the web these days as well. I mean, if the blog isn't about yarn its about dildos, really. Rarely is it both though (and please don't link me to the five hundred thousand sex and knitting blogs out there that I am SURE exist.) so maybe I'm venturing into new territory? Maybe not.
Still, as I've said from the beginning, this is my little corner of the intarweeb and I'm gonna talk here about what I want.
I will say that part of this is also about my need to write. It's not so much that I "want" to have a blog or be on the internet, but that I have a need to write stuff out. This seems as good a way as any to get some stuff down, work on my writerly skills and have fun doing so. We all know its more difficult to write when there is no direct topic, hence my attempt at naming some for this blog.
So, welcome to Amicable Separation Part Deux: The Search for Personal Happiness During My Year of Firsts Via Knitting and Sex Blog.
"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia"
-E. L. Doctorow
Monday, May 18, 2009
Step away sloooowly...
The thing is...
...there's just some stuff that no one else gets, man.
13 years of in-jokes.
Wanna know why I want to stay friends with the ex? Because no one else in the world (save two other people) understands why I find some things just so frakking hilarious.
And trust me, I know I'll build in jokes with others - that is not the issue here. There are many many in-jokes to come. Heck, there's a couple new ones with new people already.
It just sucks that I have to explain why I'm nearing tears of laughter in the checkout aisle when I see something that hits those buttons. *SIGH*
Why explain? Cuz otherwise I'm the weird cackling lady in the grocery line and everyone moves a step back. Heh.
"I'm one of those regular weird people"
-Janis Joplin
...there's just some stuff that no one else gets, man.
13 years of in-jokes.
Wanna know why I want to stay friends with the ex? Because no one else in the world (save two other people) understands why I find some things just so frakking hilarious.
And trust me, I know I'll build in jokes with others - that is not the issue here. There are many many in-jokes to come. Heck, there's a couple new ones with new people already.
It just sucks that I have to explain why I'm nearing tears of laughter in the checkout aisle when I see something that hits those buttons. *SIGH*
Why explain? Cuz otherwise I'm the weird cackling lady in the grocery line and everyone moves a step back. Heh.
"I'm one of those regular weird people"
-Janis Joplin
Thursday, May 14, 2009
This week was the court date for the divorce. I took several moments before entering the building to stand in the sunlight and just breathe; to ground and center in an attempt to quash the emotions I'd been wrestling for the past few weeks.
It was just the Judge, the clerk, himself and I in the courtroom. He had to be sworn in to answer questions. "Yes, we attempted to reconcile." "No, for me there is no chance of getting back together." "Yes, we both understand we can't ask for anything from the other after this day." The minutes ticked by, moving us ever closer to dissolution. (That's what we were doing, dissolving our marriage. An interesting way of looking at it, as we had dipped it in acid a long time ago and it was pretty well dissolved before we got in front of the judge.)
I tried hard to keep a tight hold on my reactions when the judge used the big "ka-CHUNK" stamp on our paperwork but the sound was so large and final I couldn't help recoiling a bit.
Less than twenty minutes from when things started it was over.
We sat outside under the crabapple trees that were clinging to their last few blooms and talked. He filled me in on what was going on with him and the gf. He talked about how they were paying down their debt, putting in a garden, how the dog loved the house, silly kitty antics, how he was cooking dinner every night and helping with the housework each week.....
Somewhere after the first wave of absolute rage at the Stevie Homemaker attitude he'd so recently acquired after YEARS of begging him to even mow the lawn I realized something very important. This man has not loved me in a very, very long time. And after that, after knowing beyond all doubt that he didn't figure things out last August, or even last February when he left our bedroom, but that it had been years since he had truly loved me and cared about my well being it was very very easy to be delighted that I am no longer bound to him in any way.
We walked away from each other, him to his happy new home, me to a cold and waiting margarita with friends (real friends know when tequila is necessary.). And, as if he was an eyelash on my fingertip, I exhaled and blew him away, wishing for happiness for both of us from here on out.
It was just the Judge, the clerk, himself and I in the courtroom. He had to be sworn in to answer questions. "Yes, we attempted to reconcile." "No, for me there is no chance of getting back together." "Yes, we both understand we can't ask for anything from the other after this day." The minutes ticked by, moving us ever closer to dissolution. (That's what we were doing, dissolving our marriage. An interesting way of looking at it, as we had dipped it in acid a long time ago and it was pretty well dissolved before we got in front of the judge.)
I tried hard to keep a tight hold on my reactions when the judge used the big "ka-CHUNK" stamp on our paperwork but the sound was so large and final I couldn't help recoiling a bit.
Less than twenty minutes from when things started it was over.
We sat outside under the crabapple trees that were clinging to their last few blooms and talked. He filled me in on what was going on with him and the gf. He talked about how they were paying down their debt, putting in a garden, how the dog loved the house, silly kitty antics, how he was cooking dinner every night and helping with the housework each week.....
Somewhere after the first wave of absolute rage at the Stevie Homemaker attitude he'd so recently acquired after YEARS of begging him to even mow the lawn I realized something very important. This man has not loved me in a very, very long time. And after that, after knowing beyond all doubt that he didn't figure things out last August, or even last February when he left our bedroom, but that it had been years since he had truly loved me and cared about my well being it was very very easy to be delighted that I am no longer bound to him in any way.
We walked away from each other, him to his happy new home, me to a cold and waiting margarita with friends (real friends know when tequila is necessary.). And, as if he was an eyelash on my fingertip, I exhaled and blew him away, wishing for happiness for both of us from here on out.
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