It never fails to amaze me, the things that retain meaning to some folks and not to others. I guess that just means that some people are more sentimental than others. I count myself in that first group - although not to a fault. I do, however, like to press a flower from any bouquet I might receive or put aside a keepsake from important occasions. Heck, I have recently started the "tradition" of buying a Christmas ornament from each new place I travel to so I can have a bit of a travelogue on my tree every year. (The goal being to eventually have a tree of only these ornaments because I will have traveled so many places!)
Being the sentimental sort, the date of my former wedding anniversary has been bittersweet for me. It is on a holiday, so its difficult to forget. Last year, for the first one as a single person again, I took the day off from work and spent it with friends. It was good. I reclaimed it a bit. This year, I decided that I was going to be adventurous and go to a party with a fetish theme all on my own. A bit of declaration of being my own personage and a bit of staring the bittersweet in the face and saying "NYAH!" Still though, I don't think I'll ever be able to completely disassociate the date with my first wedding. (Isn't that optimistic of me? FIRST wedding! Hee!)
I imagined that my Ex would be doing similar things. The holiday was his favorite and he was the one who requested it be our wedding date. I am positive it is a bittersweet time of year for him too.
You can imagine, then, the shock this sentimental girl felt when the Ex called and announced that he and his gf would be getting married....on the same holiday.
I guess his method of saying "Nyah!" is a bit more.....loud....than mine.
"Sentimentality-- That's what we call the sentiment we don't share."
-Graham Greene
"I feel extremely lucky, extremely grateful, and a little bittersweet too"
-Wentworth Miller
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Universal Whammo
There are days I am so very much amused at the things the Universe throws my way. Especially after I have made statements about my life and how I wish to live it, then WHAMMO something regarding that gets flung at me.
Example: I have come to a realization that I do not wish to live my life without my current relationships; far flung though some of them may be. This means that I wish to continue living as a polyamorous person and do all the work and communication that goes along with this. I waffled for a while, but truly, this makes me happy and so I do not wish to change this.
WHAMMO - I am called up by someone out of the blue who has questions about this very topic. The whole how/what/why/where/when of it all. In essence they say "Look, you are doing this and you seem to have a clue. What can you tell me? Advise me? Which direction can you point me?"
Often I feel totally under prepared to answer things like this - who am I to speak on this subject (and trust me, its more than just poly that gets flung at me)? But, speak I do. Mostly, I lead with my heart and what I'm hearing in the other person's voice or reading in their face/body. Many times, people don't want the nitty gritty, they just really want to know that they are going to be okay. Many times they want advice but I try very hard to lead them to what they already know. Many times I miss the mark and get preachy and advice-giving. Mostly, I try to just listen.
All of this falls under the category of "Priestessing" for me. My spiritual path is a pagan one, and a very eclectic pagan one at that. What I have felt drawn towards in the last year is the idea of not being some kind of leader but being a person who can facilitate and perhaps light a path for others - you know...listening to and maybe giving advice to people who ask....
I feel inadequate at times for the things that are placed in my path, for these opportunities to priestess, but when the same things are placed there again and again in a positive manner, I kind of feel there's a reason I'm put in the situation. Maybe I do have something good to say on the topic or maybe I'm just really easy to talk to. Whatever the case, I guess I just want to say this to the Universe and those that have asked questions of me: Thanks for trusting me.
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved"
-George MacDonald
Example: I have come to a realization that I do not wish to live my life without my current relationships; far flung though some of them may be. This means that I wish to continue living as a polyamorous person and do all the work and communication that goes along with this. I waffled for a while, but truly, this makes me happy and so I do not wish to change this.
WHAMMO - I am called up by someone out of the blue who has questions about this very topic. The whole how/what/why/where/when of it all. In essence they say "Look, you are doing this and you seem to have a clue. What can you tell me? Advise me? Which direction can you point me?"
Often I feel totally under prepared to answer things like this - who am I to speak on this subject (and trust me, its more than just poly that gets flung at me)? But, speak I do. Mostly, I lead with my heart and what I'm hearing in the other person's voice or reading in their face/body. Many times, people don't want the nitty gritty, they just really want to know that they are going to be okay. Many times they want advice but I try very hard to lead them to what they already know. Many times I miss the mark and get preachy and advice-giving. Mostly, I try to just listen.
All of this falls under the category of "Priestessing" for me. My spiritual path is a pagan one, and a very eclectic pagan one at that. What I have felt drawn towards in the last year is the idea of not being some kind of leader but being a person who can facilitate and perhaps light a path for others - you know...listening to and maybe giving advice to people who ask....
I feel inadequate at times for the things that are placed in my path, for these opportunities to priestess, but when the same things are placed there again and again in a positive manner, I kind of feel there's a reason I'm put in the situation. Maybe I do have something good to say on the topic or maybe I'm just really easy to talk to. Whatever the case, I guess I just want to say this to the Universe and those that have asked questions of me: Thanks for trusting me.
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved"
-George MacDonald
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Small Gifts
I continue to knit. To knit and knit and knit and KNIT.
You see, I have wanted to make something for everyone in my family for Christmas this year, so I have a veritable shit-ton (yes, that is a technical term) of things to finish in the increasingly SHORT time left before the holidays. Eeee!
Even among the panic though, I am comforted by the run of yarn through my fingers. The easy snick-snick the needles make when I'm purling or knitting a stitch. The softness of the finished product as it drops down onto my lap, growing ever longer and longer until I cast off and fold up the giftie into its wee box. :)
It's really not that much of a gift when you look at it. It's a small item. And you could actually buy one at a store without even thinking. This is the attitude I got from my Mom when I told her of my plan. To be exact she said "Oh, that's IT? You aren't getting them anything else?"
Um.
No.
We don't really NEED a darn thing in my family. We are all well off enough to have all the geegaws we could ever want. What I want to give my family this year is tiny bits of me - of my gratitude for them. I want them to remember that I sat and ran my hands over every inch of fiber that went into their item, that I picked it out just for them when I got the yarn, that I put love and warmth and joy and happy into every stitch for them.
Sometimes, this life makes it so easy to forget that love doesn't always come with a high price tag and an opulent presentation. Sometimes it comes in the form of a small box filled with wool that has been knotted in a precise fashion to form a small object that someone made just for you and you alone.
“Every gift which is given, even though is be small, is in reality great, if it is given with affection”
-Pindar
You see, I have wanted to make something for everyone in my family for Christmas this year, so I have a veritable shit-ton (yes, that is a technical term) of things to finish in the increasingly SHORT time left before the holidays. Eeee!
Even among the panic though, I am comforted by the run of yarn through my fingers. The easy snick-snick the needles make when I'm purling or knitting a stitch. The softness of the finished product as it drops down onto my lap, growing ever longer and longer until I cast off and fold up the giftie into its wee box. :)
It's really not that much of a gift when you look at it. It's a small item. And you could actually buy one at a store without even thinking. This is the attitude I got from my Mom when I told her of my plan. To be exact she said "Oh, that's IT? You aren't getting them anything else?"
Um.
No.
We don't really NEED a darn thing in my family. We are all well off enough to have all the geegaws we could ever want. What I want to give my family this year is tiny bits of me - of my gratitude for them. I want them to remember that I sat and ran my hands over every inch of fiber that went into their item, that I picked it out just for them when I got the yarn, that I put love and warmth and joy and happy into every stitch for them.
Sometimes, this life makes it so easy to forget that love doesn't always come with a high price tag and an opulent presentation. Sometimes it comes in the form of a small box filled with wool that has been knotted in a precise fashion to form a small object that someone made just for you and you alone.
“Every gift which is given, even though is be small, is in reality great, if it is given with affection”
-Pindar
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Choosing the Good Ones
The Year of Firsts has come and gone.
I am feeling rather ambivalent about it, actually. I certainly managed to get through everything just fine. I never really dreaded doing anything or getting through any of the "important dates" on the calendar. As I said in the last post I made, I've gotten through with as much grace as I could muster. :)
So, the question now is - what next? What do I want from my life, now that this section of it is over?
It's a terribly interesting feeling - being able to take my life in any direction I want. As someone I know has put it, I have the chance to write my own story - any story I want for myself.
I know some of the things I am putting in the story: lots of travel, financial stability and plenty, health, family and friends a plenty.
And, a partner to share it all with.
It sounds like a wonderful story to me. I think I shall enjoy writing it.
"Thoughts become things...choose the good ones"
-Mike Dooley
www.tut.com
I am feeling rather ambivalent about it, actually. I certainly managed to get through everything just fine. I never really dreaded doing anything or getting through any of the "important dates" on the calendar. As I said in the last post I made, I've gotten through with as much grace as I could muster. :)
So, the question now is - what next? What do I want from my life, now that this section of it is over?
It's a terribly interesting feeling - being able to take my life in any direction I want. As someone I know has put it, I have the chance to write my own story - any story I want for myself.
I know some of the things I am putting in the story: lots of travel, financial stability and plenty, health, family and friends a plenty.
And, a partner to share it all with.
It sounds like a wonderful story to me. I think I shall enjoy writing it.
"Thoughts become things...choose the good ones"
-Mike Dooley
www.tut.com
Monday, July 20, 2009
Coming into Shore
Where to begin? I fell of the regular update bandwagon again. I'm climbing back up once more. I need to figure out a time that I can write and get myself a padding of a few weeks stuff. This may mean I have to curtail my online goof off time at night. The HORROR!
It's been an interesting few months. More firsts in the Year of Firsts. This past weekend was my first birthday without the Ex. He was very good about always doing something for my birthday - be it just a simple dinner out or a full fledged party. There was always something though, and always a cake.
Seeing as there really wasn't anyone who was going to organize a fete for me, I decided to do it myself. I resurrected a favorite outing of mine - a trip to the nearby Ren Faire. I invited friends, had a theme - Pirates! - and threw myself a party, baby! (This is definitely in the purview of "No Wallowing!!") It was wonderful! I had a lovely time! I bought myself another art piece from the Faire that will grace my kitchen. I also bought myself a corset that can be laced niiiiiice and firm that will grace...other places. ;)
And yet, there were several moments that I was blindsided. Yes, the Ren Faire trip was something that was MY thing we did a lot for my birthday. Yes, it had been several years since we had gone, and I was so excited to be there. I really did have a great time. Yet, my breath left me for a moment when I saw the hat shop the Ex used to love. And my eyes watered to see the jeweler he bought me something at every year. I found myself in conversation with someone from the medieval reenactment group and had the moment again of having to identify myself as "So and so's former wife" so they would know who I was.
That last one is the most difficult for me. Surprisingly, it is not having to say "former wife" that bothers me. It just brings up what the crux of my issues were at the end of our marriage - I was sidelined a lot. I wasn't recognized for me, but for whom I was attached to and even then, many people didn't know I was his WIFE - they just thought I was a friend or some chick in the background or whatever. A difficult situation because I see now that the more I was upset the more I retreated. And yet, he didn't really care to come after me,either, at that point. Such a mess!!!
I'm at four weeks until the Year of Firsts is over. Less than thirty days, to be accurate. My life has changed so drastically in ways, and not at all in others. I wish that I could say these "Blindside Moments" would be all done and over with on that date by some magical power. Even I, the eternal optimist, know that is not going to happen. What I do know, is that on that date, I will have made it out the other end of this Year of Firsts - and handled all those firsts with as much grace as I could muster. And that's nothing to sneeze at, even if it wasn't always "so quiet and sweet a style". *wink*
"If one has to submit, it is wasteful not to do so with the best grace possible."
-Winston Churchill
"Happy is your grace that can translate the stubbornness of fortune into so quiet and sweet a style."
-Wm. Shakespeare
"You are so weak. Give up to Grace.
The ocean takes care of each wave
til it gets to shore."
-Rumi
It's been an interesting few months. More firsts in the Year of Firsts. This past weekend was my first birthday without the Ex. He was very good about always doing something for my birthday - be it just a simple dinner out or a full fledged party. There was always something though, and always a cake.
Seeing as there really wasn't anyone who was going to organize a fete for me, I decided to do it myself. I resurrected a favorite outing of mine - a trip to the nearby Ren Faire. I invited friends, had a theme - Pirates! - and threw myself a party, baby! (This is definitely in the purview of "No Wallowing!!") It was wonderful! I had a lovely time! I bought myself another art piece from the Faire that will grace my kitchen. I also bought myself a corset that can be laced niiiiiice and firm that will grace...other places. ;)
And yet, there were several moments that I was blindsided. Yes, the Ren Faire trip was something that was MY thing we did a lot for my birthday. Yes, it had been several years since we had gone, and I was so excited to be there. I really did have a great time. Yet, my breath left me for a moment when I saw the hat shop the Ex used to love. And my eyes watered to see the jeweler he bought me something at every year. I found myself in conversation with someone from the medieval reenactment group and had the moment again of having to identify myself as "So and so's former wife" so they would know who I was.
That last one is the most difficult for me. Surprisingly, it is not having to say "former wife" that bothers me. It just brings up what the crux of my issues were at the end of our marriage - I was sidelined a lot. I wasn't recognized for me, but for whom I was attached to and even then, many people didn't know I was his WIFE - they just thought I was a friend or some chick in the background or whatever. A difficult situation because I see now that the more I was upset the more I retreated. And yet, he didn't really care to come after me,either, at that point. Such a mess!!!
I'm at four weeks until the Year of Firsts is over. Less than thirty days, to be accurate. My life has changed so drastically in ways, and not at all in others. I wish that I could say these "Blindside Moments" would be all done and over with on that date by some magical power. Even I, the eternal optimist, know that is not going to happen. What I do know, is that on that date, I will have made it out the other end of this Year of Firsts - and handled all those firsts with as much grace as I could muster. And that's nothing to sneeze at, even if it wasn't always "so quiet and sweet a style". *wink*
"If one has to submit, it is wasteful not to do so with the best grace possible."
-Winston Churchill
"Happy is your grace that can translate the stubbornness of fortune into so quiet and sweet a style."
-Wm. Shakespeare
"You are so weak. Give up to Grace.
The ocean takes care of each wave
til it gets to shore."
-Rumi
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Yes, Virginia, Grammar Counts
I am still on several dating websites, even though I've lost a lot of interest in the idea of "dating" of late (and that's a whole other post). On one of these sites, which caters to the kinky, one can keep a "journal" there and write little snippets etc.
After one evening of perusing the site, I wrote a journal post there in a fit of pique. I wrote about several items but the first was "Grammar counts". I know that in the world of the internet, good writing skills are not highly prized. But, on a site where one is representing oneself solely through the written word, doncha think that at least using spell check would be in order? I'm not even going to talk about the problem most people apparently have with homonyms OR the fact that if you are someone who likes to control your partner you are a DOMINANT, not, as so many seem to think, a "dominate".
After I posted this little rant, I fully expected to be flamed mercilessly. I mean, how DARE I expect cohesive sentences and proper spelling!!!
Well, it took a few months, but I did get the first sorta flame-y email. The main question posed in the email was: Wasn't I more interested in a person's thoughts, feelings and who they are than whether or not they had grammar skills???
Hmmm.
Of COURSE I'm more interested in getting to know someone more than using a red pen on their profile. Yet...
...first impressions count for a lot.
More importantly, I've had friends and lovers dump me because I was "talking too smart" or "acting too smart". I really don't want to repeat that, as it was pretty hurtful at the time to be told that I was a snob for using words not everyone understood and that I was doing it "on purpose". I just want to be me without worrying that I'm too this or that or having to watch what I say just to make someone else feel comfortable.
Even more importantly, this site is designed to bring together folks from either side of the D/s equation. Many are on there representing themselves as someone who can train another or aid someone in becoming more disciplined in their life. Yet, they can't be bothered to even spell check or to write a complete sentence? To me, this bodes not well for their abilities elsewhere when that writing is the only thing I have to go by as to whether or not I wish to contact them. They could be the best person in the world of BDSM, but how would I know that from the l33t speak and the abbreviations of three letter words that they have put out there. They demand respect and attention to detail from their S.O's but do not care to have it for themselves? I don't grok it.
Therefore, I stand by my thought that grammar counts. Especially when the only thing you have representing you is your words.
“Life is tons of discipline. Your first discipline is your vocabulary; then your grammar and your punctuation Then, in your exuberance and bounding energy you say you're going to add to that. Then you add rhyme and meter. And your delight is in that power.” -Robert Frost
After one evening of perusing the site, I wrote a journal post there in a fit of pique. I wrote about several items but the first was "Grammar counts". I know that in the world of the internet, good writing skills are not highly prized. But, on a site where one is representing oneself solely through the written word, doncha think that at least using spell check would be in order? I'm not even going to talk about the problem most people apparently have with homonyms OR the fact that if you are someone who likes to control your partner you are a DOMINANT, not, as so many seem to think, a "dominate".
After I posted this little rant, I fully expected to be flamed mercilessly. I mean, how DARE I expect cohesive sentences and proper spelling!!!
Well, it took a few months, but I did get the first sorta flame-y email. The main question posed in the email was: Wasn't I more interested in a person's thoughts, feelings and who they are than whether or not they had grammar skills???
Hmmm.
Of COURSE I'm more interested in getting to know someone more than using a red pen on their profile. Yet...
...first impressions count for a lot.
More importantly, I've had friends and lovers dump me because I was "talking too smart" or "acting too smart". I really don't want to repeat that, as it was pretty hurtful at the time to be told that I was a snob for using words not everyone understood and that I was doing it "on purpose". I just want to be me without worrying that I'm too this or that or having to watch what I say just to make someone else feel comfortable.
Even more importantly, this site is designed to bring together folks from either side of the D/s equation. Many are on there representing themselves as someone who can train another or aid someone in becoming more disciplined in their life. Yet, they can't be bothered to even spell check or to write a complete sentence? To me, this bodes not well for their abilities elsewhere when that writing is the only thing I have to go by as to whether or not I wish to contact them. They could be the best person in the world of BDSM, but how would I know that from the l33t speak and the abbreviations of three letter words that they have put out there. They demand respect and attention to detail from their S.O's but do not care to have it for themselves? I don't grok it.
Therefore, I stand by my thought that grammar counts. Especially when the only thing you have representing you is your words.
“Life is tons of discipline. Your first discipline is your vocabulary; then your grammar and your punctuation Then, in your exuberance and bounding energy you say you're going to add to that. Then you add rhyme and meter. And your delight is in that power.” -Robert Frost
Topical Solutions
Now that the divorce is final, I'm wondering a bit about the name of this blog and the topics it is going to cover.
I'm beyond the separation portion - hell, I'm beyond the "getting divorced" portion. Now I can refer to the ex AS the "Ex" and not the "STB-Ex". Plus, I really think I've talked myself out on the emotional crazy of getting divorced. I want to focus more on what I'm doing NOW and not what has occurred in the past.
Topics I've talked about on here before include both knitting and sex. I really like both of those topics so I'm sure they'll pop up again (and again.) However, I will say that I don't expect to blend the two. As a new knitter, if I have enough concentration to continue purling while having sex, something is NOT RIGHT.
Knitting and sex are two very hot topics on the web these days as well. I mean, if the blog isn't about yarn its about dildos, really. Rarely is it both though (and please don't link me to the five hundred thousand sex and knitting blogs out there that I am SURE exist.) so maybe I'm venturing into new territory? Maybe not.
Still, as I've said from the beginning, this is my little corner of the intarweeb and I'm gonna talk here about what I want.
I will say that part of this is also about my need to write. It's not so much that I "want" to have a blog or be on the internet, but that I have a need to write stuff out. This seems as good a way as any to get some stuff down, work on my writerly skills and have fun doing so. We all know its more difficult to write when there is no direct topic, hence my attempt at naming some for this blog.
So, welcome to Amicable Separation Part Deux: The Search for Personal Happiness During My Year of Firsts Via Knitting and Sex Blog.
"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia"
-E. L. Doctorow
I'm beyond the separation portion - hell, I'm beyond the "getting divorced" portion. Now I can refer to the ex AS the "Ex" and not the "STB-Ex". Plus, I really think I've talked myself out on the emotional crazy of getting divorced. I want to focus more on what I'm doing NOW and not what has occurred in the past.
Topics I've talked about on here before include both knitting and sex. I really like both of those topics so I'm sure they'll pop up again (and again.) However, I will say that I don't expect to blend the two. As a new knitter, if I have enough concentration to continue purling while having sex, something is NOT RIGHT.
Knitting and sex are two very hot topics on the web these days as well. I mean, if the blog isn't about yarn its about dildos, really. Rarely is it both though (and please don't link me to the five hundred thousand sex and knitting blogs out there that I am SURE exist.) so maybe I'm venturing into new territory? Maybe not.
Still, as I've said from the beginning, this is my little corner of the intarweeb and I'm gonna talk here about what I want.
I will say that part of this is also about my need to write. It's not so much that I "want" to have a blog or be on the internet, but that I have a need to write stuff out. This seems as good a way as any to get some stuff down, work on my writerly skills and have fun doing so. We all know its more difficult to write when there is no direct topic, hence my attempt at naming some for this blog.
So, welcome to Amicable Separation Part Deux: The Search for Personal Happiness During My Year of Firsts Via Knitting and Sex Blog.
"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia"
-E. L. Doctorow
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