Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A few days ago the Stb-ex and I went over the paperwork for the divorce. We're filing ourselves, without the aid of a lawyer.

The verbage is funny. In several places I, the respondant, "pray" for things to happen at the courts pleasure. Reading those I remembered how much I loved the language of the law and why I wanted to get a law degree many many years ago. I love these words and how precise they are.

How very precisely they list the reasons for the "dissolution of marriage". How cleanly they cut the assets and debts to each of us. How exact it is in labeling me the "respondant" and him the "petitioner", putting us on opposite sides of this happening.

We both giggled at the phrases and then teared up. As many have said, even a smooth ending is still and ending and we are each grieving in our own fashion for a partnership we both wished to have for the rest of our lives when we started it.

We hugged tightly for a while and kissed each other on the cheek and tried to be okay with everything we were going over.

I told him that no matter what I would always love him. And that's true. I might get angry or be a bit snarky, but I do love this man. We had so much fun together, how could I not?

I'm just rambling now...so, that's it for today folks!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Out! Out, foul demon!

My resolution for this year is to just take care of myself. Whatever needs taking care of, that will be done.

I'm fairly certain I have the whole sex aspect taken care of juuuuust fine. And the friend aspect is tops as well. For me, the hardest thing to do is to treat myself well and not wind myself up into a mess over it.

Weight loss is hard for everyone. Lordy, is it ever. For me - its all wrapped up in expectations from my family and vanity and failure and self loathing....ugh. It's a mess. As my friend GT tells me, "It's horrible what we do to you women" ("We" being society at large.) Lemme tell ya, it's WORSE what I do to myself. The minute I even START to think about losing weight this screeching nagging hateful spiteful THING springs to life in my head and the happy, secure, confident ME in my head turns to jelly and quivers in the corner under the Thing's non-stop attacks.

The Thing is insidious. It points out every single foible. It measures every single ounce of food and totes it up and tells me how AWFUL I am, how STUPID I am for thinking I can do this, how many times I've FAILED before. It's yellow toothed smarmy grin is always in my face when I make healthy choices for meals telling me how I might do that NOW but it knows, it KNOWS, I will ruin it all eventually.

SO you see, i'm not just making food choices and exercising here. I'm having to do exhaustive mental battle ALL THE TIME with the Thing. Tell it to shut up. To go away. To prove it wrong.

But, this is the year of taking care of ME. And this Thing, it is not a part of me I want around any longer. So whatever it takes, I will take care of it, in the Dirty Harry sense of "taking care" of something.

I think this is going to be more about exorcising than exercising when it comes right down to it.

Friday, January 2, 2009

And tired?

It is official now.

I am never again suggesting to the ex that we have lunch. Or really, anything. No plans will be made.

It's not that I'm mad or hate him...it's that we can never ACTUALLY do this. I've tried several times now to invite him to have lunch to talk about the things we need to do and, honestly, because I thought it would be nice. We are attempting to be friends here.

Yet, every single time. Every. Single. TIME. He is sick. Flu, colds, bronchitis, twisted ankles, thrown out back...you name it, he's had it when we are supposed to get together. And inevitably he forgets to call me and tell me so I am left waiting for him to show up and when I do call I am told he can't make it.

Some of you reading this might think that this is all a bit TOO convenient. A bit coincidental. But you did not live with this person for the last two years - anytime anything remotely stressful came up or happened, he got sick. Or, if an injury could take place, it did.

He has said to me that he thinks that it was because of his stress due to my actions that he was sick all the time the last two years. (Another way of putting the blame for absolutely everything in his life onto me.) And it seems to be that anytime we have plans to do something he is sick again.

It's irritating. I'm now worried that when it comes to getting things done and taken care of for the paperwork of the divorce process that he won't be there or able to do it because he is sick. I'm worried that on the eventual court date for the divorce he won't make it because he is sick and that the judge will not let it go through without him there.

I'm worried that I'll never be able to see my friend again because he'll be sick anytime we have plans.

I can't do anything about his health, but I can do something about MY making plans with him.

And so...no more lunch plans. I'm very very tired - one could say sick and tired - of hearing the excuses.