Monday, March 30, 2009

On Rediscovering Old Threads

"Come over tomorrow. Its Family Dinner." said the text message on my phone.

So I did.

And there was an afternoon, evening and night of warmth, happiness, laughter, and family. The children were a tumble that roamed up and down the hall. The adults roved from room to room chatting, cooking, drinking, laughing, and loving on each other. The connections between all of us ebbing and flowing along this tangled web that has been woven over years.

There was a time that I had removed myself mostly from that web. The reasons are probably even more tangled than the web itself and not worth going over any longer. It was what it was.

Sitting in the living room, after the rounds of goodnight headbumps and sweet hugs from the children old enough to do so, three (or was it four?) of us with sticks and string in our hands, one on the laptop, one dozing off on the couch, one cuddled up under blankets, I had a moment where I stepped outside myself and viewed the situation from "afar". It was a moment of pure contentment and bliss and joy at being back with people who fill my heart so very full.

Family is about so much more than genetics. I am blessed to be allowed to be woven tighter into this one again.

"Begin to weave, and God will give you the threads"

Friday, March 27, 2009

Roller Coaster of Love

If all has gone according to plan, right now, at this very minute, the STB-Ex is filing the papers. He called the other day to let me know he had arranged time with his work to do this. He apologized for taking so long. In the end, he's a mensch - at times an irritating mensch, but this is part of why we are filing divorce papers.

Part of me is just relieved that we are moving forward again. That the process is in motion and our lives can chug along the track to our final destination. And then my own personal track can diverge and go where it needs to.

Then again, a fourteen year ride together is nearing its closure. And despite all that has gone on in the last few years, the majority of that time was amazing. I got to spend every day with someone who I considered my best friend. What could be better than that? And so, part of me mourns the end of the ride and the end of the laughter and adrenaline we created together.

Everyone wonders why I don't get angrier, or more harsh with him over things. And, I DO get upset and MUCH more angry than just about anyone sees (save a few close confidants). I think its because I can see the station in the distance, and I know we're coasting towards it pretty fast. I think I just want these last climbs and drops together to be...well, together as much as they can be before we lose each other at the turnstyle back out into the world.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Precious Commodity

Lest anyone think that I am rushing off to leap into a serious relationship, allow me to say, NO.

I am really enjoying being my own person right now. I am liking finding my own rhythm to my time and life. I am indulging myself in just being me. And figuring out what "just being me" really entails now.

Something I've found that it DOES entail is being creative on a regular basis. I am back to playing with string - knitting and crocheting. It's a good thing to do in the quiet evenings while the cats are chasing each other like wild things around the house. I've also picked up a bug to do stamping and making cards. I don't think I'll scrapbook doesn't really appeal. Cards though, are fun, fast and I still get to play with the pretty paper!

I am not in any state of mind to go hopping into a big relationship hoo-hah. I'm pretty bunged up still, despite how amazingly awesome I am doing. :P My heart and self are a pretty precious commodity to me right now, I won't be giving it away to the first passerby.

"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with those who are reckless with yours"
-Mary Schmich

Monday, March 23, 2009


I'm not sure if this is the place to be saying this or who will even read it. But i'm feeling the need to write about it, so...

I am doing really well. I am happy. I love my new home.


I watched porn this weekend that made me ache inside for the connection the two people on my computer screen were sharing. Sounds odd for porn, but this was definitely there. That D/s connection, the trust and the knowing how much you are pleasing the other person. The scenes were very hot, yes, but there was a level of intimacy captured that just...well, frankly it made me cry.

Even in the fun and rambunctious vanilla sex I've had over the past few months lacked that intimacy. It was all hooker sex. Even with G or HS, at the end, it was hooker sex.

I want that connection. I want that power exchange. I want to know I can go farther, take more, be a willing subject for someone's need to inflict pain. And I want it in my primary relationship. It occurs to me that I will not be fully happy without it.

I don't know how or even when this will happen for me. But I'm putting the universe on notice: I will not settle for having to look outside a relationship for this again. I will not shy away from this part of me. I am who I am, and I wish to be cherished and treasured for it. And I want that intimacy every day of my life.

For now I'll content myself with fantasies of the Dom who achieved this on screen with every girl he worked with. *le sigh* I could watch him work alllllll day. I'd rather be the one being worked on but I'll settle for what the miracle of the internet can give me.

(Yes yes, I'll add a link later when I figure out how.)

Here's the link. His name is Mark Davis and I just may be a fangirl at this point. LOL!

On finding "Mine".

(Update on previous post: We're still not, to my knowledge, filed for divorce. I asked for the papers. Long story short, he "needs to be the one to do this". *SIGH* I get that, I really do. So, I have backed off. For now. I don't want to be ugly about this, but I really want to be divorced before my birthday.)

Life continues apace here. I am moved into my new home. It is interesting to have a space where it is just me. I don't think I've had that since the one semester at college I had a single room. Sometimes it's odd and a bit TOO quiet, but mostly I really enjoy it. I don't have anyone making me feel guilty if I don't do something on their time schedule. Conversely, if there are dishes in the living room there's no one to bitch at but me either. Heh.

I find that I really like this new space. That I am turning it into a cozy retreat just for me. That my tastes and wants are okay to indulge. And I really like that if I want to leave my knitting by my chair and my stamping on the kitchen table while I work on it no one shoves it out of the way or bitches that I start things and never finish OR teases me about liking to do it. I like that I can create in my own home at my own pace and not disturb anyone else with it. And, anyway, knitting belongs by your chair.

I have two rooms left to really arrange - the bedroom and the office. I'm hoping that those can get done this week. The bedroom WILL, because I have the parents visiting next weekend and I want to show it off. :) And the office might, but that is not as important. I'm still figuring out how to set that room up and they might have good ideas on that when they get here.

I feel like with every decision I make this more MY home. And, to a greater extent, MY life. This all is in keeping with my resolution to put me first this year. I am finding that I am totally worth it.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Remember this post, wherein I worried that he would dick around with filing the paperwork?

Yeah. Apparently I am psychic. Because we finished the goddamn paperwork in JANUARY folks and he STILL hasn't filed it.

Every single week it is excuse after excuse. Well, really only one excuse: I was working. And it is a true excuse. He does work many, many hours a week and he is out of town more often than not. He does not get home in time to be at the Circuit Clerk's office while it is open. Despite all his plans to do this for over 8 weeks, it still hasn't occurred - even when he is home. He can't take breaks, he can't take a lunch, he just works. Work work work work work!

Finally, week before last I asked him for the papers so I could take them over myself. I was told that, funnily enough, HE was the ONLY person that could file them. He'd called. It was strange but *le sigh* what can one do about the strangeness of the law. One simply must follow it. Good news was that he was home on Wed and Thurs and he had alllllll morning open on Thursday to do this. He could do it. It would be done!!!



I have spent 13 years of my life with this person. I have spent nearly every day of that time with him. We were only apart for a few weeks - maybe four months TOTAL - out of those 13 years. This tends to give you insight into someone's behaviour and mannerisms.

Couple this with a really good bullshit meter anyhow.

Yeah. Um. Notsomuch. I watched him take the tone, the stance, the "forthright earnestness", the constant eye contact, and the projection of the force of his personality that he uses every time he is bullshitting someone so he doesn't have to deal with them. I've watched him do this HUNDREDS of times. Convince someone what he is saying is the gospel truth when it's far from it. Not completely lies, but just what the person wants to hear.

I didn't fall for it. I got pissed that he thought he could do that to me. To me! Really? I fucking KNOW he's a sociopath. Dude. I'm forewarned. It ain't gonna work anymore. I let it work for a long time. I'm done now.

So, I called the Circuit Clerk the next day. (Which is the part I was positive he did not do because, again, I know him.) Yeah, anyone could file this paperwork. Strangers off the street could bring it in as long as they could pay the fees.

I told him so. He was not amused. I was again assured that he called - THREE TIMES! - and got the opposite info. I just told him to file it that day or I would do it if he could not. I was assured it would be done.

Nope. Work, donchaknow.

I have been assured that today, TODAY is the golden day! The red letter day with the circle around it that it will be filed. By his girlfriend. (I think they finally did actually call and find out she could.)

I'm not holding my breath.

I am, however, girding my loins to go over and take the papers from him and file them tomorrow at 8am. Its not going to be a pretty sight or a happy conversation. But he's forgotten many things about me over the years where I have not forgotten things about him.

He's about to remember.


I had a bit of a whirlwind there during mid-january til now.

I sold my big house and moved into the "right sized" condo. All the buying and selling took place within a week, and I moved into the new place ten days after I bought it.

Fastest. Closing. Evar!

So, i've been a bit occupied with packing, unpacking, painting, putting away and all the other things one does when moving. Also, I mourned the loss, got mad that I was the one who had to get a smaller place, cried about it on my cats, and got so sick for a week I thought I was going to die.

But I am back now, and able to blog again. Lots to say still, so keep tuned in. :)