Monday, January 5, 2009

Out! Out, foul demon!

My resolution for this year is to just take care of myself. Whatever needs taking care of, that will be done.

I'm fairly certain I have the whole sex aspect taken care of juuuuust fine. And the friend aspect is tops as well. For me, the hardest thing to do is to treat myself well and not wind myself up into a mess over it.

Weight loss is hard for everyone. Lordy, is it ever. For me - its all wrapped up in expectations from my family and vanity and failure and self loathing....ugh. It's a mess. As my friend GT tells me, "It's horrible what we do to you women" ("We" being society at large.) Lemme tell ya, it's WORSE what I do to myself. The minute I even START to think about losing weight this screeching nagging hateful spiteful THING springs to life in my head and the happy, secure, confident ME in my head turns to jelly and quivers in the corner under the Thing's non-stop attacks.

The Thing is insidious. It points out every single foible. It measures every single ounce of food and totes it up and tells me how AWFUL I am, how STUPID I am for thinking I can do this, how many times I've FAILED before. It's yellow toothed smarmy grin is always in my face when I make healthy choices for meals telling me how I might do that NOW but it knows, it KNOWS, I will ruin it all eventually.

SO you see, i'm not just making food choices and exercising here. I'm having to do exhaustive mental battle ALL THE TIME with the Thing. Tell it to shut up. To go away. To prove it wrong.

But, this is the year of taking care of ME. And this Thing, it is not a part of me I want around any longer. So whatever it takes, I will take care of it, in the Dirty Harry sense of "taking care" of something.

I think this is going to be more about exorcising than exercising when it comes right down to it.

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