Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I am going to try this again, but under a new title etc.

Really, the separation portion of my life is over, the divorce is final, the year of firsts has come and gone. There are lots of things I want to continue to talk about but I want to mess up a clean slate, so to speak. So, I am moving things over to a new blog for a new start.

Never fear, the sex and knitting will continue on!!

Come on over to: findingmissb.blogspot.com

Sunday, November 15, 2009


Through some kind of bizzaro osmosis I seem to have picked up an inordinate amount of knowledge of Jewish culture and religion. Maybe it was in reaction to my very-much-a-gentile-Grandmother's wish that I would someday marry a "nice Jewish man". Maybe I figured I should be prepared in case her wish should come true! No matter how it came to be, I have made good Jewish boys very happy with my knowledge.

This may be why a friend of mine in Florida, SL, called to giggle with me about the fact that he heard that someone from his temple threw a swing party. He wasn't giggling about the swing party part of it, rather it was the idea that everyone there was of the Hebrew extraction. So far he had come up with these following guidelines for the All-Jewish Swing Party:

1. No one would bring alcohol, as no one would want to spend the money on it.

2. It is held at someone's house because why spend the money on a hotel when you have a perfectly good house, plus you can show off your new kitchen remodel.

3. No booze, but the food would be amazing and abundant.

3a. And would include a really spiff smoked fish platter.

4. Once the sex started, someone would walk in a room and say "What! You call that eating pussy? That's not how you do it! Here, let me show you!"

5. Other quotations might include "No! My wife doesn't like to be fucked like that! Why are you DOING that! Just do what I tell you to!!" and "Did you see what she's wearing? That lingerie is totally vredne! I wouldn't be caught dead!"

6. Next to each bed there would be a pretty ceramic dish with a complement of nail files for the ladies to use during.

7. In addition to the social rooms and the play/sex rooms there would also be a Mah Johng room!

"Other people have a nationality, the Irish and the Jews have a psychosis"
-Brendan Behan

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Blissful Headway

Two rooms done and organized.

More items to the curb for pick up tomorrow.

More artwork hung and items arranged artfully.

Headway is being made. Massively.

If things go as planned, tomorrow I will be done with one more room, making three of six totally done.

Done. As in deep cleaned and sparkling and ready for Christmas decorations to descend upon them in heaps of glittery glory!! *squee!*

This is my reward for all the hard work - the fun of putting all the pretty things in their place. That, and I needed my laser level today for hanging some pictures and I knew right where it and the Hercules Hooks were and put them right back when I was done.

This is the bliss of giving in to my inner need for clean and order. :D

"If you follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track, which has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living."
-Joseph Campbell

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Good, Bad...I'm the one laughing...

The other night I went out to the movies with two of my girlfriends. It was not a big night out by any means. We had hot dogs and mac and cheese for dinner and then we went to the dollar theater after. The three of us, however, could have a party in a great white void, so we were pretty wound by the time we got there. Then, F dropped her cup of salt for her popcorn (Yes, a small cup with salt in it - we're setting aside for flowers for her first Myocardial Infarction.) while bending over to get the bottle of water she dropped and P nearly dropped her drink while helping F, then they just about both fell over because they both bent over again at the same time....all I could say was "Hey Moe!" and we just about peed ourselves there in the theater lobby. If there had been a rake or a push broom nearby one of us would have stepped on it.

The shaggy haired teenaged boy behind the counter was completely non-plussed. I guess gaggles of crazy women are the norm for him or he was too stoned to laugh. Either way....poor thing. (I did offer to sweep up the salt myself but the manager told me no.)

We laughed all the way to our seats and then it just got worse as we sat down and arranged ourselves. We yammered for the whole time before the movie and laughed our asses off at ourselves. We even updated our Facebooks and Tweeted about what we were doing.

After a bit, there were a bunch of college age kids behind us and a bunch of high school kids in front of us. I think we may have scandalized them with our "behaviour" during the movie - we were literally howling with laughter at points! (BTW, if you haven't seen "The Hangover" do yourself a favor and GO!)

I know we scandalized them a bit as we got some "looks" every once in a while. Those all knowing teenager "looks", the one's that say "OMG! How can you act like this!! You're OVER 30!! " I'm sure we annoyed the piss out of them. Points to us!

Yet, I really wanted to say something to them, especially the girls in the crowd. I really wanted to pull them aside and say "Look, you're gonna think this sounds nuts now, but I want you to know that I really,REALLY hope you have girlfriends like mine when you are older. Ones you can laugh right out loud with, and be stupid and crass with no matter what. Because those same women are the ones you know you can cry with and get angry at your life with and they'll be there no matter what. I really, really hope you go to the movies and get real loud someday, honey."

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning"

(Also, special points to you if you recognize the phrase used for the title as a slight bastardization of a movie quote!!)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

a post!

Quick entry cuz I keep falling asleep early this week!!! gah!!

I am inundated with opportunities of late. Some for travel, some for play, some for relationships-all mine for the taking. The only preventatives from leaping on them all is time and money.

What a wonderful difference in my life from just two years ago when I felt so isolated and boxed in by a failing marriage and failing mental health. What a blessed release the divorce was for me. What a fabulous life I am now leading.

More later on the first opportunity I am grabbing!

"He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed"
-William James

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I spent last night in the arms of an old friend. We have known each other for going on twenty years but last night was the first time we'd ended up naked together.

The sex was great, but what was even better was that it felt so...normal. Just an extension of our already established love for one another.

It was a very tender thing to finally be able to express that.

"Love unexpressed is a crime against the heart"

Saturday, November 7, 2009

House Blessing/Self Care

Today is a fine fall day!! Most likely one of the last we will have in these parts. I have opened the windows in the house to let in the breeze - no matter that it has that crisp edge to it, like the taste of a honeycrisp apple on your tongue. I want to gather in all that tang and sweet into my house one more time before the cold of winter takes over on the wind.

I am STILL cleaning and organizing. I am struggling to reframe my thoughts about housework - to think of it not as "work" but as "blessing". I am being semi-successful at this.

Right now I am sitting in a mostly finished living room - only dusting and carrying out of items to the curb to go - and I love the peaceful feeling I get in here. There is laundry in the washer and dryer, becoming clean and pretty again. After the next load I will have sweet scented sheets to put back on the bed. These are all wonderful happy-making things.

What is difficult is acknowledging that I am not the best at doing this kind of work while not using that as a reason to berate myself for being a failure of some kind. It is simply a statement of fact: I do not upkeep my house continuously.

I even had to revise that last sentence to take the judgment out of it! Originally it was "I am not good at housework". No. That is not true, because when I do it, it gets done very well. I do not do it all the time. The latter IS true and there is no judgment in that sentence.

When I can get beyond this judging myself business, then it is easy to move on to statements that are also true: I feel happy and peaceful when my house is straightened up because I know where things are and where they belong. I feel anxious and overwhelmed when things are cluttered because my things are in disarray and I do not know where they are.

Getting beyond this judgment of self and getting down to how I actually FEEEEEL about my home and the state in which it resides has been helpful. Knowing that I am far more happy when things are done leads me to do it more often.

So silly, those voices in our heads that berate us and keep us from doing what truly makes us happy. I am not perfect at combating them, and I don't know if I ever will be, but I am learning and growing and telling them to shut the hell up more and more and more.

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete"
-Thich Naht Hanh

Friday, November 6, 2009

a post!

No update yesterday. A friend needed cheering up and I thought that was more important than a blog. More later today!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

NaBloPoMo and more

So I just found out about NaBloPoMo!!! (National Blog Posting Month), and while I don't know if I have a whole novel in my head, I know that I can commit to posting every day this month. Unfortunately, I found out about this AFTER I had already skipped a day of posting for the month so I can't win any of the "fabulous prizes" given out because it is November, but that's okay. I didn't want to win anything, I just wanted the challenge of writing every day. So here I am, posting daily for the month - and hopefully beyond.

I've got a lot going through my head today.

I am dealing with a bit of sub drop. Okay, maybe more than a bit. It's not been debilitating because I was ready for it and set myself up with letting friends who would understand know about it and leaned on them (am leaning) for support. It's been a long time since I've played so much in so short a time. It felt so good!!! But afterwards I know I go inward to process, and without that support net beneath me I can go too far in and get depressed.

A lot of the processing I have been doing during this round of introspective sub drop is about relationships. I know for sure that I am not ready to be in anything serious right now. Any time anyone tries to attach ties to me, or corrall me in some way I am as skittish as an antelope on the back end of the herd. To me, Ms. Relationship Builder, this is telling. I need time. I am forming more and more a picture of what I want out of a serious partner as this time goes on. As much as I want someone in my life, I am glad I can recognize that taking time with myself will only make things better in the end.

"Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn't wait to get to work in the morning: I wanted to know what I was going to say."
~Sharon O'Brien

“You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”
-Keith Sweat

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Things I've learned while living on my own, in no particular order:

1. I now say "One, please" instead of "Just one" when going out to eat by myself. "JUST one" sounds so...sad. While "One please" sounds a bit more together and less pathetic.

2. I own a shit ton of books. Really. Good lord. Where the hell do they all come from? And how do they keep multiplying!!?? I could open my own lending library folks. And yet, I still love holding them all in my hands and rereading them all. Its like revisiting old friends. I've considered a Kindle but I might have to get TWO in order to fit in all the books I currently own plus new ones I want (j/k....kinda....)

3. I still can't finish a drink to save my life. Ever. I leave a trail of half full glasses behind me. No matter how hard I try I am constantly picking them up and bringing them back to the kitchen to dump them out. I am ONE person in this house and I go through almost ALL the glasses in the house every five days or so. Crazy!! I hope whomever I live with next can deal with this, because it is a lifelong trait that ain't going away! LOL!

4. I hate doing dishes.

4a. But I can get them done in fifteen minutes if I set a timer and race. So, not bad in the grand scheme of things.

5. I like my bed but making a king size bed on your own kinda sucks. I have a knack for it now though. :)

6. I do a lot of laundry, but I am doing better at not having piles of it this way.

7. I like my closet organized by color.

8. I own a lot of shoes. And this is a good thing. *squee*

9. I both love and hate that I have no one else to bitch at about housework. It's all me, baby!!! I gotta train the cats to vacuum and dust.

10. Despite rumors to the contrary, I am actually doing really well living on my own. I like it. I'm not scared at night. I don't have to sleep with a light on or the tv on anymore. I have my own safe space to be in that is all mine. It's rather nice coming home at night to that. Sure, life's not perfect, but then again, who's is??

"You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with"
-Wayne Dyer

Monday, November 2, 2009

Clubbing the Inspiration Fairy

(Alrighty, I'm attempting the MWF thing again here folks. Bear with me while I see if I can do it...)

It's November...which, to me, heralds not only the onset of holidays but also the onset of many of my friends hunkering down over their keyboards and participating in NaNoWriMo. (National Novel Writing Month). They try to complete a novel in one month's time.

I hear a lot about word count goals missed, achieved or surpassed. I hear a lot about coffee fueled nights near the end of the month trying to catch up and finish before the last day comes and goes. I have to say, I'm a bit jealous of all this.

It's an open thing, I could totally participate if I chose to do so. But...butbutbut....the cold hard truth is that I have no idea what in the WORLD I would write about. I have no muse pressing down upon me with enough ideas for a whole novel. I have NO plot, no character that compels me to write about them THAT much.

I've been told many times that I need to keep writing, that it's in me to be an author, that I have something to give to the world in print. Meanwhile, I keep waiting for inspiration to strike or at least sidle up to me and give me a nudge.

I love writing, I love expressing myself through words. It makes me feel happy to sit and play with vocabulary to get the exact meaning I want to convey out of a sentence. I just don't know if I have a novel in me yet.

To that effect, I am going to do my own version of NaNoWriMo. I just want to write every day. I am not terribly concerned with what I'm writing, just that stuff is getting put down on the page. Maybe, if its coherent stuff I'll post it here and share it with you, my three regular readers. LOL!

Who knows, maybe I'll write myself INTO inspiration for a novel.....

"You can't wait for inspiration> You have to go after it with a club."
-Jack London

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Bittersweet Sentimentality

It never fails to amaze me, the things that retain meaning to some folks and not to others. I guess that just means that some people are more sentimental than others. I count myself in that first group - although not to a fault. I do, however, like to press a flower from any bouquet I might receive or put aside a keepsake from important occasions. Heck, I have recently started the "tradition" of buying a Christmas ornament from each new place I travel to so I can have a bit of a travelogue on my tree every year. (The goal being to eventually have a tree of only these ornaments because I will have traveled so many places!)

Being the sentimental sort, the date of my former wedding anniversary has been bittersweet for me. It is on a holiday, so its difficult to forget. Last year, for the first one as a single person again, I took the day off from work and spent it with friends. It was good. I reclaimed it a bit. This year, I decided that I was going to be adventurous and go to a party with a fetish theme all on my own. A bit of declaration of being my own personage and a bit of staring the bittersweet in the face and saying "NYAH!" Still though, I don't think I'll ever be able to completely disassociate the date with my first wedding. (Isn't that optimistic of me? FIRST wedding! Hee!)

I imagined that my Ex would be doing similar things. The holiday was his favorite and he was the one who requested it be our wedding date. I am positive it is a bittersweet time of year for him too.

You can imagine, then, the shock this sentimental girl felt when the Ex called and announced that he and his gf would be getting married....on the same holiday.

I guess his method of saying "Nyah!" is a bit more.....loud....than mine.

"Sentimentality-- That's what we call the sentiment we don't share."
-Graham Greene

"I feel extremely lucky, extremely grateful, and a little bittersweet too"
-Wentworth Miller

Monday, September 14, 2009

Universal Whammo

There are days I am so very much amused at the things the Universe throws my way. Especially after I have made statements about my life and how I wish to live it, then WHAMMO something regarding that gets flung at me.

Example: I have come to a realization that I do not wish to live my life without my current relationships; far flung though some of them may be. This means that I wish to continue living as a polyamorous person and do all the work and communication that goes along with this. I waffled for a while, but truly, this makes me happy and so I do not wish to change this.

WHAMMO - I am called up by someone out of the blue who has questions about this very topic. The whole how/what/why/where/when of it all. In essence they say "Look, you are doing this and you seem to have a clue. What can you tell me? Advise me? Which direction can you point me?"

Often I feel totally under prepared to answer things like this - who am I to speak on this subject (and trust me, its more than just poly that gets flung at me)? But, speak I do. Mostly, I lead with my heart and what I'm hearing in the other person's voice or reading in their face/body. Many times, people don't want the nitty gritty, they just really want to know that they are going to be okay. Many times they want advice but I try very hard to lead them to what they already know. Many times I miss the mark and get preachy and advice-giving. Mostly, I try to just listen.

All of this falls under the category of "Priestessing" for me. My spiritual path is a pagan one, and a very eclectic pagan one at that. What I have felt drawn towards in the last year is the idea of not being some kind of leader but being a person who can facilitate and perhaps light a path for others - you know...listening to and maybe giving advice to people who ask....

I feel inadequate at times for the things that are placed in my path, for these opportunities to priestess, but when the same things are placed there again and again in a positive manner, I kind of feel there's a reason I'm put in the situation. Maybe I do have something good to say on the topic or maybe I'm just really easy to talk to. Whatever the case, I guess I just want to say this to the Universe and those that have asked questions of me: Thanks for trusting me.

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved"
-George MacDonald

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Small Gifts

I continue to knit. To knit and knit and knit and KNIT.

You see, I have wanted to make something for everyone in my family for Christmas this year, so I have a veritable shit-ton (yes, that is a technical term) of things to finish in the increasingly SHORT time left before the holidays. Eeee!

Even among the panic though, I am comforted by the run of yarn through my fingers. The easy snick-snick the needles make when I'm purling or knitting a stitch. The softness of the finished product as it drops down onto my lap, growing ever longer and longer until I cast off and fold up the giftie into its wee box. :)

It's really not that much of a gift when you look at it. It's a small item. And you could actually buy one at a store without even thinking. This is the attitude I got from my Mom when I told her of my plan. To be exact she said "Oh, that's IT? You aren't getting them anything else?"



We don't really NEED a darn thing in my family. We are all well off enough to have all the geegaws we could ever want. What I want to give my family this year is tiny bits of me - of my gratitude for them. I want them to remember that I sat and ran my hands over every inch of fiber that went into their item, that I picked it out just for them when I got the yarn, that I put love and warmth and joy and happy into every stitch for them.

Sometimes, this life makes it so easy to forget that love doesn't always come with a high price tag and an opulent presentation. Sometimes it comes in the form of a small box filled with wool that has been knotted in a precise fashion to form a small object that someone made just for you and you alone.

“Every gift which is given, even though is be small, is in reality great, if it is given with affection”


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Choosing the Good Ones

The Year of Firsts has come and gone.

I am feeling rather ambivalent about it, actually. I certainly managed to get through everything just fine. I never really dreaded doing anything or getting through any of the "important dates" on the calendar. As I said in the last post I made, I've gotten through with as much grace as I could muster. :)

So, the question now is - what next? What do I want from my life, now that this section of it is over?

It's a terribly interesting feeling - being able to take my life in any direction I want. As someone I know has put it, I have the chance to write my own story - any story I want for myself.

I know some of the things I am putting in the story: lots of travel, financial stability and plenty, health, family and friends a plenty.

And, a partner to share it all with.

It sounds like a wonderful story to me. I think I shall enjoy writing it.

"Thoughts become things...choose the good ones"
-Mike Dooley

Monday, July 20, 2009

Coming into Shore

Where to begin? I fell of the regular update bandwagon again. I'm climbing back up once more. I need to figure out a time that I can write and get myself a padding of a few weeks stuff. This may mean I have to curtail my online goof off time at night. The HORROR!

It's been an interesting few months. More firsts in the Year of Firsts. This past weekend was my first birthday without the Ex. He was very good about always doing something for my birthday - be it just a simple dinner out or a full fledged party. There was always something though, and always a cake.

Seeing as there really wasn't anyone who was going to organize a fete for me, I decided to do it myself. I resurrected a favorite outing of mine - a trip to the nearby Ren Faire. I invited friends, had a theme - Pirates! - and threw myself a party, baby! (This is definitely in the purview of "No Wallowing!!") It was wonderful! I had a lovely time! I bought myself another art piece from the Faire that will grace my kitchen. I also bought myself a corset that can be laced niiiiiice and firm that will grace...other places. ;)

And yet, there were several moments that I was blindsided. Yes, the Ren Faire trip was something that was MY thing we did a lot for my birthday. Yes, it had been several years since we had gone, and I was so excited to be there. I really did have a great time. Yet, my breath left me for a moment when I saw the hat shop the Ex used to love. And my eyes watered to see the jeweler he bought me something at every year. I found myself in conversation with someone from the medieval reenactment group and had the moment again of having to identify myself as "So and so's former wife" so they would know who I was.

That last one is the most difficult for me. Surprisingly, it is not having to say "former wife" that bothers me. It just brings up what the crux of my issues were at the end of our marriage - I was sidelined a lot. I wasn't recognized for me, but for whom I was attached to and even then, many people didn't know I was his WIFE - they just thought I was a friend or some chick in the background or whatever. A difficult situation because I see now that the more I was upset the more I retreated. And yet, he didn't really care to come after me,either, at that point. Such a mess!!!

I'm at four weeks until the Year of Firsts is over. Less than thirty days, to be accurate. My life has changed so drastically in ways, and not at all in others. I wish that I could say these "Blindside Moments" would be all done and over with on that date by some magical power. Even I, the eternal optimist, know that is not going to happen. What I do know, is that on that date, I will have made it out the other end of this Year of Firsts - and handled all those firsts with as much grace as I could muster. And that's nothing to sneeze at, even if it wasn't always "so quiet and sweet a style". *wink*

"If one has to submit, it is wasteful not to do so with the best grace possible."
-Winston Churchill

"Happy is your grace that can translate the stubbornness of fortune into so quiet and sweet a style."
-Wm. Shakespeare

"You are so weak. Give up to Grace.
The ocean takes care of each wave
til it gets to shore."

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Yes, Virginia, Grammar Counts

I am still on several dating websites, even though I've lost a lot of interest in the idea of "dating" of late (and that's a whole other post). On one of these sites, which caters to the kinky, one can keep a "journal" there and write little snippets etc.

After one evening of perusing the site, I wrote a journal post there in a fit of pique. I wrote about several items but the first was "Grammar counts". I know that in the world of the internet, good writing skills are not highly prized. But, on a site where one is representing oneself solely through the written word, doncha think that at least using spell check would be in order? I'm not even going to talk about the problem most people apparently have with homonyms OR the fact that if you are someone who likes to control your partner you are a DOMINANT, not, as so many seem to think, a "dominate".

After I posted this little rant, I fully expected to be flamed mercilessly. I mean, how DARE I expect cohesive sentences and proper spelling!!!

Well, it took a few months, but I did get the first sorta flame-y email. The main question posed in the email was: Wasn't I more interested in a person's thoughts, feelings and who they are than whether or not they had grammar skills???


Of COURSE I'm more interested in getting to know someone more than using a red pen on their profile. Yet...

...first impressions count for a lot.

More importantly, I've had friends and lovers dump me because I was "talking too smart" or "acting too smart". I really don't want to repeat that, as it was pretty hurtful at the time to be told that I was a snob for using words not everyone understood and that I was doing it "on purpose". I just want to be me without worrying that I'm too this or that or having to watch what I say just to make someone else feel comfortable.

Even more importantly, this site is designed to bring together folks from either side of the D/s equation. Many are on there representing themselves as someone who can train another or aid someone in becoming more disciplined in their life. Yet, they can't be bothered to even spell check or to write a complete sentence? To me, this bodes not well for their abilities elsewhere when that writing is the only thing I have to go by as to whether or not I wish to contact them. They could be the best person in the world of BDSM, but how would I know that from the l33t speak and the abbreviations of three letter words that they have put out there. They demand respect and attention to detail from their S.O's but do not care to have it for themselves? I don't grok it.

Therefore, I stand by my thought that grammar counts. Especially when the only thing you have representing you is your words.

“Life is tons of discipline. Your first discipline is your vocabulary; then your grammar and your punctuation Then, in your exuberance and bounding energy you say you're going to add to that. Then you add rhyme and meter. And your delight is in that power.” -Robert Frost

Topical Solutions

Now that the divorce is final, I'm wondering a bit about the name of this blog and the topics it is going to cover.

I'm beyond the separation portion - hell, I'm beyond the "getting divorced" portion. Now I can refer to the ex AS the "Ex" and not the "STB-Ex". Plus, I really think I've talked myself out on the emotional crazy of getting divorced. I want to focus more on what I'm doing NOW and not what has occurred in the past.

Topics I've talked about on here before include both knitting and sex. I really like both of those topics so I'm sure they'll pop up again (and again.) However, I will say that I don't expect to blend the two. As a new knitter, if I have enough concentration to continue purling while having sex, something is NOT RIGHT.

Knitting and sex are two very hot topics on the web these days as well. I mean, if the blog isn't about yarn its about dildos, really. Rarely is it both though (and please don't link me to the five hundred thousand sex and knitting blogs out there that I am SURE exist.) so maybe I'm venturing into new territory? Maybe not.

Still, as I've said from the beginning, this is my little corner of the intarweeb and I'm gonna talk here about what I want.

I will say that part of this is also about my need to write. It's not so much that I "want" to have a blog or be on the internet, but that I have a need to write stuff out. This seems as good a way as any to get some stuff down, work on my writerly skills and have fun doing so. We all know its more difficult to write when there is no direct topic, hence my attempt at naming some for this blog.

So, welcome to Amicable Separation Part Deux: The Search for Personal Happiness During My Year of Firsts Via Knitting and Sex Blog.

"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia"
-E. L. Doctorow

Monday, May 18, 2009

Step away sloooowly...

The thing is...

...there's just some stuff that no one else gets, man.

13 years of in-jokes.

Wanna know why I want to stay friends with the ex? Because no one else in the world (save two other people) understands why I find some things just so frakking hilarious.

And trust me, I know I'll build in jokes with others - that is not the issue here. There are many many in-jokes to come. Heck, there's a couple new ones with new people already.

It just sucks that I have to explain why I'm nearing tears of laughter in the checkout aisle when I see something that hits those buttons. *SIGH*

Why explain? Cuz otherwise I'm the weird cackling lady in the grocery line and everyone moves a step back. Heh.

"I'm one of those regular weird people"
-Janis Joplin

Thursday, May 14, 2009

This week was the court date for the divorce. I took several moments before entering the building to stand in the sunlight and just breathe; to ground and center in an attempt to quash the emotions I'd been wrestling for the past few weeks.

It was just the Judge, the clerk, himself and I in the courtroom. He had to be sworn in to answer questions. "Yes, we attempted to reconcile." "No, for me there is no chance of getting back together." "Yes, we both understand we can't ask for anything from the other after this day." The minutes ticked by, moving us ever closer to dissolution. (That's what we were doing, dissolving our marriage. An interesting way of looking at it, as we had dipped it in acid a long time ago and it was pretty well dissolved before we got in front of the judge.)

I tried hard to keep a tight hold on my reactions when the judge used the big "ka-CHUNK" stamp on our paperwork but the sound was so large and final I couldn't help recoiling a bit.

Less than twenty minutes from when things started it was over.

We sat outside under the crabapple trees that were clinging to their last few blooms and talked. He filled me in on what was going on with him and the gf. He talked about how they were paying down their debt, putting in a garden, how the dog loved the house, silly kitty antics, how he was cooking dinner every night and helping with the housework each week.....

Somewhere after the first wave of absolute rage at the Stevie Homemaker attitude he'd so recently acquired after YEARS of begging him to even mow the lawn I realized something very important. This man has not loved me in a very, very long time. And after that, after knowing beyond all doubt that he didn't figure things out last August, or even last February when he left our bedroom, but that it had been years since he had truly loved me and cared about my well being it was very very easy to be delighted that I am no longer bound to him in any way.

We walked away from each other, him to his happy new home, me to a cold and waiting margarita with friends (real friends know when tequila is necessary.). And, as if he was an eyelash on my fingertip, I exhaled and blew him away, wishing for happiness for both of us from here on out.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

From Chaos, Beauty

This weekend, at the tail end of my wallowing, I did something I have wanted to do for a very very long time: I cast on to begin my first ever sock.

Doesn't sound like much, but it was a big event for me. The entire reason I wanted to learn to knit was to make socks. Because....well, because I thought it would be cool to have handknitted socks, okay? And the yarn for socks is just groovy. Sometimes more fun and enticing than all the other kinds of yarn.

So, I cast on. 56 stitches. Spread them out over three double pointed needles (DPNs). Began to knit and purl as directed.

Right now, three days in, I have just over an inch of the ribbing done. It's slow going because I'm still kind of awkward with the DPNs. And I've had one incident where I started going around in the opposite direction and had to rip that out...not good. Heh.

I watch this little sock taking shape from the simple motions of pulling some yarn through a loop of itself and it makes me happy. It makes me happy to see all the shades of blue in the yarn that looked rather random while it was in the skein turn into neatly ordered stripes. It makes me happy to see that, despite my struggles with learning to wrangle the DPNs, the rows of knit and purl are pretty even, and they look ordered and "right". I'm even happy that when this sock is done, I get to do another one just like it and watch the process all over again.

I'm not entirely sure why this process is making me so filled with bliss. Maybe because I can see how my learning to knit has progressed and now, at long last, I am able to do the thing I have so long wanted to do.

I think on a deeper level though, it gives me comfort to see that despite struggle and some fuss, despite having to go back, start over and try again, despite the seeming dis-order and chaos that by doing things that are simple, straightforward and easy, one can create something really really beautiful.

"Women like to sit down with trouble - as if it were knitting." ~Ellen Glasgow

"Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn't hurt the untroubled spirit, either." ~Elizabeth Zimmerman

"Really, all you need to become a good knitter are wool, needles, hands, and slightly below-average intelligence. Of course, superior intelligence, such as yours and mine, is an advantage." ~Elizabeth Zimmerman

Monday, April 27, 2009

Forward and Back Again

According to this website, in regards to the five stages of grieving, one may "go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person."

I would say that I took a definite step backwards last week. In alternate moments I was angry, whiny, having moments of "do NOT want" about the divorce, i probably even threw in some bargaining just for the heck of it. I know I spent a LOT of time going over just about every teeny tiny thing I ever did in our marriage that may have ever been connected to the reasons he gave me as to why he was leaving. There was a lot of self castigation and "if only" thoughts.

If only I had been a better X.

If only I had not done Y at that very moment.

If only I was able to do Z.

Does it really matter what X,Y and Z are? No. Because I cannot go back and change those things, as much as I would have dearly loved to last week. I wanted so VERY badly to go back and change and redo and undo everything. The last seven days or so have been a large exercise in futility, for there is no method that has yet been discovered that will allow someone to travel back and make changes to their life.

The main thought that ran through my head all week was "I never wanted this divorce." And I didn't. Even at the worst moments in the weeks leading up to him leaving, I never wanted a divorce. If you were to ask me now, when I'm feeling pretty good about life again, if I want a divorce, the answer would still be no.

I guess I am just railing against the fact that putting my life on this new path was not MY decision. Sometimes it feels kind of unfair and it upsets me. And when it gets to be too much, I fall backwards on the five stages.

And sleep in a lot.

And eat ice cream. (Just a bit though.)

And take a weekend to wallow and cry and feel like crap and ignore everything else to just deal with the thoughts and emotions.

Then dust myself off, take a shower, put on some makeup, get dressed and face the world again.

"Grief is a healthy emotion, and it's healthy to embrace it. By accepting loss, we clarify our values and the meaning of our lives. ~DEAN KOONTZ, Forever Odd

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~Winston Churchill

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Staring at Hangnails

There's been lots going on of late, but I haven't felt overly inspired to write about it. I feel that I would be rehashing the same things over and over again, and that would be boring to the few (you happy few!) who read this blog. Yet, I promised regular updates. And thus I am in a catch-22 here.

A couple updates:

-I continue on the quest to do things that make me happy and have bought artwork for my home. I am taking it to get framed tonight. Yay! It is a beautiful print of a woman's face with her hair streaming out to one side entitled "Winter Princess". It shall hang in my bedroom.

-I am forcing myself back to the gym tonight. I feel sluggish and I know its because I've been being a slug. (Ha! Did you see what I did there with the words and the funny?? Heh..*ahem* Yeah. Anyhoo...)

-I have realized that the experiment is pretty much over at this point. Results: inconclusive. All the fun, happy sex was great but the no-connection part was not so great. It did lead me to recognize that there are things I can't really do without in my love life - both physically and emotionally. Because of this, I declare it a success! I'm thinking that I am concluding said experiment now.

-I thought I met a really nice, super-cool person. According to the emptiness of my inbox, maybe I did not. Oh well. Live and learn. But its too bad because he was really kinda nice. *shrug* Also, I might need to relax about it. Which has never been my forte. (Who me? Intense? Naaaah....)

-Substitute "blogs" for diaries in the quote below and you'll have how I'm feeling about writing this at the moment:

"It seems to me that the problem with diaries, and the reason that most of them are so boring, is that every day we vacillate between examining our hangnails and speculating on cosmic order." ~Ann Beattie, Picturing Will, 1989

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Whooda thunkit?

(Ugh. I'm just off with my posting days this week. I'll be back to MWF next week for sure as I won't be returning home to just run out the door again in three days. *sigh*)

As I was expecting, the "Sub Drop" hit yesterday. I was alternately grouchy and weepy. I was completely out of sorts. I felt really kind of ragged around the edges and scrambled at the center. Luckily, I know these symptoms and do my best to ignore them. And when I can't ignore them I just try to get through them. Its just that I don't always manage to "get through" them well.

I'm afraid that I snapped at my Mom on the phone. And I may have said a few choice words at the computer at work. Also, I think I cried a bit in my car while sitting outside the bookstore - where I was heading for some retail therapy. Plus, I ate ice cream - a single serving of Haagen Daas, but still, not diet friendly. Then, I do believe I became panicked that my older cat would die while I was not at home, and freaked out about that for a while. Finally, I obsessively knit for several hours to clear my mind of anything except the "pass through and grab" of the knit stitch.

No, last night was not pretty. But I didn't wallow. I wasn't blindsided by how I was feeling and I was able to (at LAST!) clear my head before I went to bed and fretted myself to death all night instead of sleeping.

For me, Sub-Drop is inevitable. The adrenaline dump combined with the emotional dump just screws me up. This is the first time I've had to deal with it on my own...with no S.O. there to help out. (Chalking THAT one up for the year of "firsts"!) I did just fine, which makes me happy.

I guess I am going to be okay after all. No matter what. Huh. Who knew?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


I survived the weekend! More than survived...I thrived this weekend. It is still all a jumble in my head but I'm sure over the course of the next few days I will be organized enough in my thoughts to write coherently about the past five days.

Until then, a few highlights:

1. Mr. C is just as lovely in person as I thought he would be.
2. Canes are my new bestest friends.
3. Clothespins can be quite fun.
4. Wooden paddles are teh evul.
5. Georgia BBQ is best eaten in small out of the way places that are playing the blues good and loud.
6. I really REALLY like rope
7. Two knitting projects is the minimum I will ever take with me.
8. The yarn store in Atlanta called "Knitch" is wonderful and I highly recommend it.
9. I have fallen a teensy bit for Mr. C, and not just because of "teh sexxors", but because he really is a wonderful human being.
10. Figging is fuuuuuuuuuuun. :D

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Blooming Happy

It does not take much for me to be happy or amused. Truly, I am a simple person. Today what is making me smile is the fact that every time I look down at my feet I see the cute li'l flower drawn there by the very talented pedicurist I went to last night. It is a white flower with a green stem and a wee pink rhinestone in the center. And silver glitter accents. I lurve it.

I also lurve that it is warm enough today for me to wear my Clark's sandals so I can catch glimpses of my cute toes throughout the day.

I spent an extra $20.00 last night getting the "Deluxe Mani/Pedi" instead of just the plain "Spa Pedicure" I usually get. I'm totally worth the money and I took it out of the vacation spending cash. There was a salt scrub and hot towels involved over and above the usual treatment, and let's not forget the flower!

Generally, I am cheap and do my own nails, but pedicures are really best done by someone else. And if I space them out far enough it is not a strain on the budget. In fact, I budget them in just like I do my cost for my haircuts. Some things are just not frills to me, and this is one of them.

Plus, I know I'm going to be looking at my feet up in the air, slung over the shoulders of Mr. C a goodly number of times this weekend, so it will be nice to see the li'l flowers smiling back at me when I do manage a moment to notice them.

*wicked grin*

"If you've never been thrilled to the very edges of your soul by a flower in spring bloom, maybe your soul has never been in bloom."
~Audra Foveo

Monday, April 6, 2009

Bring it! *squee!*

I am three days away from leaving on a vacation. To a city I've never been to. To meet a person I've only talked to on the phone. To go to what basically amounts to a sex convention. Hee!

I am very excited, I must say. (Points to those who recognize the SNL reference!).

Mr. C (as I will refer to him here) is the boyfriend of a dear friend. I met her first and then, by proxy, him. And when he professed a want to explore some of his fantasies in real time, she (darling girl that she is) pointed him towards me and said "Go forth and explore - but don't be fuckin' around on Miss B, she's the real deal so you better bring it!"

Yes, my lovely friend has told the man whom I will belong to for the better part of five days to "Bring It." Have I mentioned that Mr. C is not a small man? With large hands? And a newly found penchant for belts?

My ass and my lovely friend are gonna have a talk when this is all over about the choosing of words and how they specifically relate to its overall health.

Despite such injucntions, I am really looking forward to the weekend. Mr. C and I click well on many levels and so the time spent together will be fun even when we are not otherwise occupied with "Bringing It."

I am also really looking forward to getting the heck outta town for a few days. It's been too long since I've been on a vacay and I need one. A new place to explore and new things to look at. Aside from the "con", we have a bit of time to do some exploring on our own. I am looking forward to that very very much.

So, if I seem a bit "a-squee" here this week, that would be why.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Did I mention I was a geek?

The papers have been filed. We have a court date now, where a Judge will decide if what he and I have decided on between us is okay. Neither one of us expects that there will be any problems with the settlement. We agreed on everything right away - except for two things...heh.

First, he thought he would take all the pets. Nope. Not gonna happen. We compromised and I kept the kitties and he got the dog. It was in the best interests for all involved that it end up that way.

Second...and this we did NOT discuss....he took ALL the gaming systems. Seriously. ALL of them. After I came to my senses a few days after he left I called him on this.
Specifically, I called him about the Wii. Because I LOVED the Wii. I had been waiting with bated breath for the Wii Fit to come out at the time we split. But he...he TOOK IT.

Okay, in all fairness, it WAS his birthday gift. And, sure he should have it...but but but BUT....!!!!! I loved it!! I played it more than him!!!!

This is a source of constant teasing on my part. Telling him that he "owes" me a Wii. In fact, I called him a few days after the papers had been filed to make sure I understood a particular point and it was then that I told him I wasn't leaving the courtroom unless the judge put it in the divorce decree that he has to get me a new Wii.

We laughed and joked about it. He protested that it was his to begin with, I bantered back that I played it more...it was good and fun and joshing.

Moments like that make me feel that it is possible that this man and I can remain friends after all is said and done. That even though we are not good as husband and wife, we ARE good as friends. That makes me happy.

That, and a new Wii would make me ecstatic. *chuckle*

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dream On

(Look at me go! Updates regularly on MWF!!)

I am still attempting to tame The Thing. I am being semi-successful.

The number on the scale continues to go down, for which I am grateful. Clothing is fitting better. I have lots to go, but I am pleased with the changes I've made so far and with the progress that continues to go forward.

Every time I think I've gotten The Thing to shut up though, it comes at me in different ways.

Positive self-talk in the mirror every morning? At night I have dreams that I am beating myself up and screaming how awful I am at myself. (This one made me die laughing at just HOW absurd my subconscious is!)

Feel good about trying on clothes that haven't fit for a while? Later that night I find myself thinking about how LONG it will be until I can fit into Misses sizes again.

Make a decision to have something like ice cream and simply count it in my calories for the day so I don't go over? Several hours of angst several days later when I have "only" lost two pounds.

I've been able to poo poo all these attempts at coming back into the forefront of my thought patterns. I look The Thing square in the eye and tell it to BACK OFF. That it isn't correct and I KNOW it. So there, nyah!

Yet, this latest assault has come at me from a different direction altogether. A tack The Thing has not tried before. It's coming at me through my FANTASIES.

The first time it happened I thought to myself "Well, that's odd" and just got on with things. Yet, it happened again...and then AGAIN - to the point where all activity had to cease because The Thing managed to derail it all.

Because, really, how can one go about achieving some "quality bunk time" when in your little fantasy world your partner is revolted by your body? Or says "I could do better than this!"

I told you The Thing is insidious. And that I have to fight it at every turn. But it wasn't until that happened that I realized that in my fantasy life I rarely ever have a "specific person" involved where there needs to be another person. It's always been kind of a generic "human being" there. Yet, recently, I've wanted to put a specific person into that spot in my dreamland and found The Thing waiting for me there, ready to tear down any confidence I may have in myself or my sexual attractiveness.

It's really got me pissed off now. I'm SO not going to let my "bunk time" be confiscated by The Thing, nor will I let it hold me back from dreaming of particularly hunky/sexy partners. The fantasy may never come true but JEEBUS I at LEAST deserve the fantasy!!

So, watch out, Mr. The Thing; I've got my boots on and I'm ready to kick the crap outta you once and for all.

"To dream anything you want to dream; that's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything you want to do; that is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits; that is the courage to succeed."
-Bernard Edmonds

Monday, March 30, 2009

On Rediscovering Old Threads

"Come over tomorrow. Its Family Dinner." said the text message on my phone.

So I did.

And there was an afternoon, evening and night of warmth, happiness, laughter, and family. The children were a tumble that roamed up and down the hall. The adults roved from room to room chatting, cooking, drinking, laughing, and loving on each other. The connections between all of us ebbing and flowing along this tangled web that has been woven over years.

There was a time that I had removed myself mostly from that web. The reasons are probably even more tangled than the web itself and not worth going over any longer. It was what it was.

Sitting in the living room, after the rounds of goodnight headbumps and sweet hugs from the children old enough to do so, three (or was it four?) of us with sticks and string in our hands, one on the laptop, one dozing off on the couch, one cuddled up under blankets, I had a moment where I stepped outside myself and viewed the situation from "afar". It was a moment of pure contentment and bliss and joy at being back with people who fill my heart so very full.

Family is about so much more than genetics. I am blessed to be allowed to be woven tighter into this one again.

"Begin to weave, and God will give you the threads"

Friday, March 27, 2009

Roller Coaster of Love

If all has gone according to plan, right now, at this very minute, the STB-Ex is filing the papers. He called the other day to let me know he had arranged time with his work to do this. He apologized for taking so long. In the end, he's a mensch - at times an irritating mensch, but this is part of why we are filing divorce papers.

Part of me is just relieved that we are moving forward again. That the process is in motion and our lives can chug along the track to our final destination. And then my own personal track can diverge and go where it needs to.

Then again, a fourteen year ride together is nearing its closure. And despite all that has gone on in the last few years, the majority of that time was amazing. I got to spend every day with someone who I considered my best friend. What could be better than that? And so, part of me mourns the end of the ride and the end of the laughter and adrenaline we created together.

Everyone wonders why I don't get angrier, or more harsh with him over things. And, I DO get upset and MUCH more angry than just about anyone sees (save a few close confidants). I think its because I can see the station in the distance, and I know we're coasting towards it pretty fast. I think I just want these last climbs and drops together to be...well, together as much as they can be before we lose each other at the turnstyle back out into the world.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Precious Commodity

Lest anyone think that I am rushing off to leap into a serious relationship, allow me to say, NO.

I am really enjoying being my own person right now. I am liking finding my own rhythm to my time and life. I am indulging myself in just being me. And figuring out what "just being me" really entails now.

Something I've found that it DOES entail is being creative on a regular basis. I am back to playing with string - knitting and crocheting. It's a good thing to do in the quiet evenings while the cats are chasing each other like wild things around the house. I've also picked up a bug to do stamping and making cards. I don't think I'll scrapbook though...it doesn't really appeal. Cards though, are fun, fast and I still get to play with the pretty paper!

I am not in any state of mind to go hopping into a big relationship hoo-hah. I'm pretty bunged up still, despite how amazingly awesome I am doing. :P My heart and self are a pretty precious commodity to me right now, I won't be giving it away to the first passerby.

"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with those who are reckless with yours"
-Mary Schmich

Monday, March 23, 2009


I'm not sure if this is the place to be saying this or who will even read it. But i'm feeling the need to write about it, so...

I am doing really well. I am happy. I love my new home.


I watched porn this weekend that made me ache inside for the connection the two people on my computer screen were sharing. Sounds odd for porn, but this was definitely there. That D/s connection, the trust and the knowing how much you are pleasing the other person. The scenes were very hot, yes, but there was a level of intimacy captured that just...well, frankly it made me cry.

Even in the fun and rambunctious vanilla sex I've had over the past few months lacked that intimacy. It was all hooker sex. Even with G or HS, at the end, it was hooker sex.

I want that connection. I want that power exchange. I want to know I can go farther, take more, be a willing subject for someone's need to inflict pain. And I want it in my primary relationship. It occurs to me that I will not be fully happy without it.

I don't know how or even when this will happen for me. But I'm putting the universe on notice: I will not settle for having to look outside a relationship for this again. I will not shy away from this part of me. I am who I am, and I wish to be cherished and treasured for it. And I want that intimacy every day of my life.

For now I'll content myself with fantasies of the Dom who achieved this on screen with every girl he worked with. *le sigh* I could watch him work alllllll day. I'd rather be the one being worked on but I'll settle for what the miracle of the internet can give me.

(Yes yes, I'll add a link later when I figure out how.)

Here's the link. His name is Mark Davis and I just may be a fangirl at this point. LOL!

On finding "Mine".

(Update on previous post: We're still not, to my knowledge, filed for divorce. I asked for the papers. Long story short, he "needs to be the one to do this". *SIGH* I get that, I really do. So, I have backed off. For now. I don't want to be ugly about this, but I really want to be divorced before my birthday.)

Life continues apace here. I am moved into my new home. It is interesting to have a space where it is just me. I don't think I've had that since the one semester at college I had a single room. Sometimes it's odd and a bit TOO quiet, but mostly I really enjoy it. I don't have anyone making me feel guilty if I don't do something on their time schedule. Conversely, if there are dishes in the living room there's no one to bitch at but me either. Heh.

I find that I really like this new space. That I am turning it into a cozy retreat just for me. That my tastes and wants are okay to indulge. And I really like that if I want to leave my knitting by my chair and my stamping on the kitchen table while I work on it no one shoves it out of the way or bitches that I start things and never finish OR teases me about liking to do it. I like that I can create in my own home at my own pace and not disturb anyone else with it. And, anyway, knitting belongs by your chair.

I have two rooms left to really arrange - the bedroom and the office. I'm hoping that those can get done this week. The bedroom WILL, because I have the parents visiting next weekend and I want to show it off. :) And the office might, but that is not as important. I'm still figuring out how to set that room up and they might have good ideas on that when they get here.

I feel like with every decision I make this more MY home. And, to a greater extent, MY life. This all is in keeping with my resolution to put me first this year. I am finding that I am totally worth it.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Remember this post, wherein I worried that he would dick around with filing the paperwork?

Yeah. Apparently I am psychic. Because we finished the goddamn paperwork in JANUARY folks and he STILL hasn't filed it.

Every single week it is excuse after excuse. Well, really only one excuse: I was working. And it is a true excuse. He does work many, many hours a week and he is out of town more often than not. He does not get home in time to be at the Circuit Clerk's office while it is open. Despite all his plans to do this for over 8 weeks, it still hasn't occurred - even when he is home. He can't take breaks, he can't take a lunch, he just works. Work work work work work!

Finally, week before last I asked him for the papers so I could take them over myself. I was told that, funnily enough, HE was the ONLY person that could file them. He'd called. It was strange but *le sigh* what can one do about the strangeness of the law. One simply must follow it. Good news was that he was home on Wed and Thurs and he had alllllll morning open on Thursday to do this. He could do it. It would be done!!!



I have spent 13 years of my life with this person. I have spent nearly every day of that time with him. We were only apart for a few weeks - maybe four months TOTAL - out of those 13 years. This tends to give you insight into someone's behaviour and mannerisms.

Couple this with a really good bullshit meter anyhow.

Yeah. Um. Notsomuch. I watched him take the tone, the stance, the "forthright earnestness", the constant eye contact, and the projection of the force of his personality that he uses every time he is bullshitting someone so he doesn't have to deal with them. I've watched him do this HUNDREDS of times. Convince someone what he is saying is the gospel truth when it's far from it. Not completely lies, but just what the person wants to hear.

I didn't fall for it. I got pissed that he thought he could do that to me. To me! Really? I fucking KNOW he's a sociopath. Dude. I'm forewarned. It ain't gonna work anymore. I let it work for a long time. I'm done now.

So, I called the Circuit Clerk the next day. (Which is the part I was positive he did not do because, again, I know him.) Yeah, anyone could file this paperwork. Strangers off the street could bring it in as long as they could pay the fees.

I told him so. He was not amused. I was again assured that he called - THREE TIMES! - and got the opposite info. I just told him to file it that day or I would do it if he could not. I was assured it would be done.

Nope. Work, donchaknow.

I have been assured that today, TODAY is the golden day! The red letter day with the circle around it that it will be filed. By his girlfriend. (I think they finally did actually call and find out she could.)

I'm not holding my breath.

I am, however, girding my loins to go over and take the papers from him and file them tomorrow at 8am. Its not going to be a pretty sight or a happy conversation. But he's forgotten many things about me over the years where I have not forgotten things about him.

He's about to remember.


I had a bit of a whirlwind there during mid-january til now.

I sold my big house and moved into the "right sized" condo. All the buying and selling took place within a week, and I moved into the new place ten days after I bought it.

Fastest. Closing. Evar!

So, i've been a bit occupied with packing, unpacking, painting, putting away and all the other things one does when moving. Also, I mourned the loss, got mad that I was the one who had to get a smaller place, cried about it on my cats, and got so sick for a week I thought I was going to die.

But I am back now, and able to blog again. Lots to say still, so keep tuned in. :)

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A few days ago the Stb-ex and I went over the paperwork for the divorce. We're filing ourselves, without the aid of a lawyer.

The verbage is funny. In several places I, the respondant, "pray" for things to happen at the courts pleasure. Reading those I remembered how much I loved the language of the law and why I wanted to get a law degree many many years ago. I love these words and how precise they are.

How very precisely they list the reasons for the "dissolution of marriage". How cleanly they cut the assets and debts to each of us. How exact it is in labeling me the "respondant" and him the "petitioner", putting us on opposite sides of this happening.

We both giggled at the phrases and then teared up. As many have said, even a smooth ending is still and ending and we are each grieving in our own fashion for a partnership we both wished to have for the rest of our lives when we started it.

We hugged tightly for a while and kissed each other on the cheek and tried to be okay with everything we were going over.

I told him that no matter what I would always love him. And that's true. I might get angry or be a bit snarky, but I do love this man. We had so much fun together, how could I not?

I'm just rambling now...so, that's it for today folks!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Out! Out, foul demon!

My resolution for this year is to just take care of myself. Whatever needs taking care of, that will be done.

I'm fairly certain I have the whole sex aspect taken care of juuuuust fine. And the friend aspect is tops as well. For me, the hardest thing to do is to treat myself well and not wind myself up into a mess over it.

Weight loss is hard for everyone. Lordy, is it ever. For me - its all wrapped up in expectations from my family and vanity and failure and self loathing....ugh. It's a mess. As my friend GT tells me, "It's horrible what we do to you women" ("We" being society at large.) Lemme tell ya, it's WORSE what I do to myself. The minute I even START to think about losing weight this screeching nagging hateful spiteful THING springs to life in my head and the happy, secure, confident ME in my head turns to jelly and quivers in the corner under the Thing's non-stop attacks.

The Thing is insidious. It points out every single foible. It measures every single ounce of food and totes it up and tells me how AWFUL I am, how STUPID I am for thinking I can do this, how many times I've FAILED before. It's yellow toothed smarmy grin is always in my face when I make healthy choices for meals telling me how I might do that NOW but it knows, it KNOWS, I will ruin it all eventually.

SO you see, i'm not just making food choices and exercising here. I'm having to do exhaustive mental battle ALL THE TIME with the Thing. Tell it to shut up. To go away. To prove it wrong.

But, this is the year of taking care of ME. And this Thing, it is not a part of me I want around any longer. So whatever it takes, I will take care of it, in the Dirty Harry sense of "taking care" of something.

I think this is going to be more about exorcising than exercising when it comes right down to it.

Friday, January 2, 2009

And tired?

It is official now.

I am never again suggesting to the ex that we have lunch. Or really, anything. No plans will be made.

It's not that I'm mad or hate him...it's that we can never ACTUALLY do this. I've tried several times now to invite him to have lunch to talk about the things we need to do and, honestly, because I thought it would be nice. We are attempting to be friends here.

Yet, every single time. Every. Single. TIME. He is sick. Flu, colds, bronchitis, twisted ankles, thrown out back...you name it, he's had it when we are supposed to get together. And inevitably he forgets to call me and tell me so I am left waiting for him to show up and when I do call I am told he can't make it.

Some of you reading this might think that this is all a bit TOO convenient. A bit coincidental. But you did not live with this person for the last two years - anytime anything remotely stressful came up or happened, he got sick. Or, if an injury could take place, it did.

He has said to me that he thinks that it was because of his stress due to my actions that he was sick all the time the last two years. (Another way of putting the blame for absolutely everything in his life onto me.) And it seems to be that anytime we have plans to do something he is sick again.

It's irritating. I'm now worried that when it comes to getting things done and taken care of for the paperwork of the divorce process that he won't be there or able to do it because he is sick. I'm worried that on the eventual court date for the divorce he won't make it because he is sick and that the judge will not let it go through without him there.

I'm worried that I'll never be able to see my friend again because he'll be sick anytime we have plans.

I can't do anything about his health, but I can do something about MY making plans with him.

And so...no more lunch plans. I'm very very tired - one could say sick and tired - of hearing the excuses.