This week was the court date for the divorce. I took several moments before entering the building to stand in the sunlight and just breathe; to ground and center in an attempt to quash the emotions I'd been wrestling for the past few weeks.
It was just the Judge, the clerk, himself and I in the courtroom. He had to be sworn in to answer questions. "Yes, we attempted to reconcile." "No, for me there is no chance of getting back together." "Yes, we both understand we can't ask for anything from the other after this day." The minutes ticked by, moving us ever closer to dissolution. (That's what we were doing, dissolving our marriage. An interesting way of looking at it, as we had dipped it in acid a long time ago and it was pretty well dissolved before we got in front of the judge.)
I tried hard to keep a tight hold on my reactions when the judge used the big "ka-CHUNK" stamp on our paperwork but the sound was so large and final I couldn't help recoiling a bit.
Less than twenty minutes from when things started it was over.
We sat outside under the crabapple trees that were clinging to their last few blooms and talked. He filled me in on what was going on with him and the gf. He talked about how they were paying down their debt, putting in a garden, how the dog loved the house, silly kitty antics, how he was cooking dinner every night and helping with the housework each week.....
Somewhere after the first wave of absolute rage at the Stevie Homemaker attitude he'd so recently acquired after YEARS of begging him to even mow the lawn I realized something very important. This man has not loved me in a very, very long time. And after that, after knowing beyond all doubt that he didn't figure things out last August, or even last February when he left our bedroom, but that it had been years since he had truly loved me and cared about my well being it was very very easy to be delighted that I am no longer bound to him in any way.
We walked away from each other, him to his happy new home, me to a cold and waiting margarita with friends (real friends know when tequila is necessary.). And, as if he was an eyelash on my fingertip, I exhaled and blew him away, wishing for happiness for both of us from here on out.