Monday, July 20, 2009

Coming into Shore

Where to begin? I fell of the regular update bandwagon again. I'm climbing back up once more. I need to figure out a time that I can write and get myself a padding of a few weeks stuff. This may mean I have to curtail my online goof off time at night. The HORROR!

It's been an interesting few months. More firsts in the Year of Firsts. This past weekend was my first birthday without the Ex. He was very good about always doing something for my birthday - be it just a simple dinner out or a full fledged party. There was always something though, and always a cake.

Seeing as there really wasn't anyone who was going to organize a fete for me, I decided to do it myself. I resurrected a favorite outing of mine - a trip to the nearby Ren Faire. I invited friends, had a theme - Pirates! - and threw myself a party, baby! (This is definitely in the purview of "No Wallowing!!") It was wonderful! I had a lovely time! I bought myself another art piece from the Faire that will grace my kitchen. I also bought myself a corset that can be laced niiiiiice and firm that will grace...other places. ;)

And yet, there were several moments that I was blindsided. Yes, the Ren Faire trip was something that was MY thing we did a lot for my birthday. Yes, it had been several years since we had gone, and I was so excited to be there. I really did have a great time. Yet, my breath left me for a moment when I saw the hat shop the Ex used to love. And my eyes watered to see the jeweler he bought me something at every year. I found myself in conversation with someone from the medieval reenactment group and had the moment again of having to identify myself as "So and so's former wife" so they would know who I was.

That last one is the most difficult for me. Surprisingly, it is not having to say "former wife" that bothers me. It just brings up what the crux of my issues were at the end of our marriage - I was sidelined a lot. I wasn't recognized for me, but for whom I was attached to and even then, many people didn't know I was his WIFE - they just thought I was a friend or some chick in the background or whatever. A difficult situation because I see now that the more I was upset the more I retreated. And yet, he didn't really care to come after me,either, at that point. Such a mess!!!

I'm at four weeks until the Year of Firsts is over. Less than thirty days, to be accurate. My life has changed so drastically in ways, and not at all in others. I wish that I could say these "Blindside Moments" would be all done and over with on that date by some magical power. Even I, the eternal optimist, know that is not going to happen. What I do know, is that on that date, I will have made it out the other end of this Year of Firsts - and handled all those firsts with as much grace as I could muster. And that's nothing to sneeze at, even if it wasn't always "so quiet and sweet a style". *wink*

"If one has to submit, it is wasteful not to do so with the best grace possible."
-Winston Churchill

"Happy is your grace that can translate the stubbornness of fortune into so quiet and sweet a style."
-Wm. Shakespeare

"You are so weak. Give up to Grace.
The ocean takes care of each wave
til it gets to shore."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can so relate to what you say. And it matters not who chose to leave. I have been having those moments for the last six weeks now and I know they will continue. I am not looking forward to Oct (anniversary), Nov ( birthday), or Dec (holidays). So I am with you on this both for your sake and my own.

* hug *

- 9