There is an adage (whether it is old or not, I'm not sure) that goes "Sometimes, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else".
I am currently involved in testing this theory.
It's not so much that I need to get OVER my STB-ex. Point of fact, I don't want to be over him, I love him. Its just that the love seems to be morphing into something different these days. More of an affectionate love, a friend love, instead of a husband love.
Regardless, I soldier on in my quest to know if this adage holds a modicum of truth. Although, my original plan of seeking out partners who were "into" the same things as I am seems to be derailing in front of my eyes.
I am "into" some of the harsher aspects of sex - D/s, bondage, pain, slapping, spanking, implements of torture...oh the sweet sweet torture and the sweet sweet release of giving up to the pain and finding the pleasure on the other side of it. This is what gets me going. That release and the pleasure therein make me catch my breath just thinking of it.
The gods, however, seem to have other plans for me of late. I find myself surrounded not with the oh so domly types who demand my acquiescence to their demands and reward it with orgasms derived from harsh methods but by men who are more interested in pleasure than pain and MY pleasure specifically.
Case in point: The Christmas themed swing party I was at earlier this month. A very very charming gentleman engaged me in conversation from the moment he walked into the room. He was lovely, funny, sweet and nice. Eventually, I realized that he was hitting on me, but...not hitting on me in a nervous manner I haven't elicited in a man in ages. At one point, i ended up flashing my cleavage (this WAS a swing party after all!) and he was clearly impressed and stammered something about really wanting to see more, so my response was to say "Well, just ask!' He did. And off we went to his room, where he confessed to being so nervous because I was "so pretty".
Now, folks, I have not been "so pretty" in my own eyes for a very long time here. Months, maybe even years, of being the "dull wife" contrasted against the "stunning girlfriend" in my prior relationship had taken its toll on my self-image. Not to mention the complete lack of intimacy at the end of my marriage and how that affected my sexual self.
This sweet man, though, was so overcome that he actually was a bit hesitant at first. (That was quickly remedied!) He kept repeating how beautiful I was, how lovely every part of me was. How much he wanted to make me cum, hear me orgasm, what could he do, what did I want, how could he be better for me, etc etc etc.
This has been the case with other men of late too (as I am apparantly turning into the town slut these days). They want to be with me because i am beautiful, desireable, funny, happy, smiling, passionate, and all those adjectives I had lost for myself for so long. And they don't want to demand things of me, they want to coax them from me. Stroke, touch, lick, suck, caress, whisper and moan them from me.
And perhaps this is what I need more than the kink right now. Maybe that is why I am finding more of these sweetly loving men in my life right now. I know I can submit, be an object, endure pain, be handled roughly - but I seem to have forgotten that I can be desired for being a beautiful passionate woman somewhere along the way.
Thank the gods who seem to know I need this ego stroke right now and for these wonderful men who are reminding me of these adjectives I have lost.