I seem to be holding my emotions and action under a microscope these days. Examining them for signs of…well, I’m not sure what I’m examining them for exactly. Yet, examine I do.
Does the fact that I was able to put up the Christmas tree with no angst at all mean that I am in denial?
If I cry while driving down a snowy street looking at Christmas lights am I experiencing a crying jag or is it just normal holiday stress or is it that my meds are off?
Is the fact that there are dishes in my sink an indicator of serious depression or am I just as lazy as the ex claims or am I some really unorganized amalgam of the two?
If I’m not careful, this picking apart of every thought and deed can take up large amounts of my time – usually when I’m supposed to be sleeping. Which means I’m tired. Which means I’m more emotional. Which means I have more to pick apart. And around and around we go!!!
The thing is, there is no way to tell if my reactions these days are normal or not. There isn’t a guidebook for this that tells you things like: “In weeks 7 to 10 of your divorce you will feel overwhelmed by the prospect of paperwork and alternately sad and angry at your spouse.” No, the experience of divorce is as unique as the two people who are going through it.
I think I’m weathering the storm in my own way just fine – when I can back away from the microscope, take a deep breath and look around me. So what if I had fun putting up my Christmas tree! I love Christmas trees and they make me happy. If I cry while driving, well I’m most likely just missing the tradition of seeing the lights on the houses as we drove around together. And maybe I’m not depressed OR lazy; I just hate doing dishes! I wasn’t Martha Stewart before, why do I think I should be now?
Most importantly, when I do step back, I am able to recognize that at the center of all this up and down – the eye of the storm, if you will –is the small tight kernel that is ME, waiting out these squalls and growing stronger every day.