I'm not sure if this is the place to be saying this or who will even read it. But i'm feeling the need to write about it, so...
I am doing really well. I am happy. I love my new home.
I watched porn this weekend that made me ache inside for the connection the two people on my computer screen were sharing. Sounds odd for porn, but this was definitely there. That D/s connection, the trust and the knowing how much you are pleasing the other person. The scenes were very hot, yes, but there was a level of intimacy captured that just...well, frankly it made me cry.
Even in the fun and rambunctious vanilla sex I've had over the past few months lacked that intimacy. It was all hooker sex. Even with G or HS, at the end, it was hooker sex.
I want that connection. I want that power exchange. I want to know I can go farther, take more, be a willing subject for someone's need to inflict pain. And I want it in my primary relationship. It occurs to me that I will not be fully happy without it.
I don't know how or even when this will happen for me. But I'm putting the universe on notice: I will not settle for having to look outside a relationship for this again. I will not shy away from this part of me. I am who I am, and I wish to be cherished and treasured for it. And I want that intimacy every day of my life.
For now I'll content myself with fantasies of the Dom who achieved this on screen with every girl he worked with. *le sigh* I could watch him work alllllll day. I'd rather be the one being worked on but I'll settle for what the miracle of the internet can give me.
(Yes yes, I'll add a link later when I figure out how.)
Here's the link. His name is Mark Davis and I just may be a fangirl at this point. LOL!