Monday, April 27, 2009

Forward and Back Again

According to this website, in regards to the five stages of grieving, one may "go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person."

I would say that I took a definite step backwards last week. In alternate moments I was angry, whiny, having moments of "do NOT want" about the divorce, i probably even threw in some bargaining just for the heck of it. I know I spent a LOT of time going over just about every teeny tiny thing I ever did in our marriage that may have ever been connected to the reasons he gave me as to why he was leaving. There was a lot of self castigation and "if only" thoughts.

If only I had been a better X.

If only I had not done Y at that very moment.

If only I was able to do Z.

Does it really matter what X,Y and Z are? No. Because I cannot go back and change those things, as much as I would have dearly loved to last week. I wanted so VERY badly to go back and change and redo and undo everything. The last seven days or so have been a large exercise in futility, for there is no method that has yet been discovered that will allow someone to travel back and make changes to their life.

The main thought that ran through my head all week was "I never wanted this divorce." And I didn't. Even at the worst moments in the weeks leading up to him leaving, I never wanted a divorce. If you were to ask me now, when I'm feeling pretty good about life again, if I want a divorce, the answer would still be no.

I guess I am just railing against the fact that putting my life on this new path was not MY decision. Sometimes it feels kind of unfair and it upsets me. And when it gets to be too much, I fall backwards on the five stages.

And sleep in a lot.

And eat ice cream. (Just a bit though.)

And take a weekend to wallow and cry and feel like crap and ignore everything else to just deal with the thoughts and emotions.

Then dust myself off, take a shower, put on some makeup, get dressed and face the world again.

"Grief is a healthy emotion, and it's healthy to embrace it. By accepting loss, we clarify our values and the meaning of our lives. ~DEAN KOONTZ, Forever Odd

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~Winston Churchill

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have so much to say and yet nothing that matters.

* hug *

- 9