(Look at me go! Updates regularly on MWF!!)
I am still attempting to tame The Thing. I am being semi-successful.
The number on the scale continues to go down, for which I am grateful. Clothing is fitting better. I have lots to go, but I am pleased with the changes I've made so far and with the progress that continues to go forward.
Every time I think I've gotten The Thing to shut up though, it comes at me in different ways.
Positive self-talk in the mirror every morning? At night I have dreams that I am beating myself up and screaming how awful I am at myself. (This one made me die laughing at just HOW absurd my subconscious is!)
Feel good about trying on clothes that haven't fit for a while? Later that night I find myself thinking about how LONG it will be until I can fit into Misses sizes again.
Make a decision to have something like ice cream and simply count it in my calories for the day so I don't go over? Several hours of angst several days later when I have "only" lost two pounds.
I've been able to poo poo all these attempts at coming back into the forefront of my thought patterns. I look The Thing square in the eye and tell it to BACK OFF. That it isn't correct and I KNOW it. So there, nyah!
Yet, this latest assault has come at me from a different direction altogether. A tack The Thing has not tried before. It's coming at me through my FANTASIES.
The first time it happened I thought to myself "Well, that's odd" and just got on with things. Yet, it happened again...and then AGAIN - to the point where all activity had to cease because The Thing managed to derail it all.
Because, really, how can one go about achieving some "quality bunk time" when in your little fantasy world your partner is revolted by your body? Or says "I could do better than this!"
I told you The Thing is insidious. And that I have to fight it at every turn. But it wasn't until that happened that I realized that in my fantasy life I rarely ever have a "specific person" involved where there needs to be another person. It's always been kind of a generic "human being" there. Yet, recently, I've wanted to put a specific person into that spot in my dreamland and found The Thing waiting for me there, ready to tear down any confidence I may have in myself or my sexual attractiveness.
It's really got me pissed off now. I'm SO not going to let my "bunk time" be confiscated by The Thing, nor will I let it hold me back from dreaming of particularly hunky/sexy partners. The fantasy may never come true but JEEBUS I at LEAST deserve the fantasy!!
So, watch out, Mr. The Thing; I've got my boots on and I'm ready to kick the crap outta you once and for all.
"To dream anything you want to dream; that's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything you want to do; that is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits; that is the courage to succeed."